[ he may be known to be honest, but all four can think about is how he must be lying. it makes more sense to her that other terrible people are fine with her because they are equally terrible, but someone like lu bixing?
she wonders if there's something wrong with him, too, to miss her like that. she knows she wouldn't miss her. four is not unmoved even if she thinks he's being stupid. she does want his warmth, but she's not convinced she won't lose it. ]
I tried to kill you. I could and would kill any of you.
[ she doesn't want to lose her abilities or get stuck in jail for a day, but it's not a lie. ]
[ there probably is something wrong with him but that's okay. all of china knows that lu bixing has trash taste.
he listens to her, though - because of course he does. lets her spit the words sharp as she'd like, and responds back calmly, like waves washing up against a shore. ]
I did kill you.
[ it's quiet, too. point blank. whether he chose to or not is irrelevant.
there's a slight pause. ]
I miss you because there's nothing about you - not that I knew before, and not that I learned - that could change the fact that I care about you. And that's you as the Four that I've met, not as any act to be held up. Good and bad.
[ he still has nightmares, about the terrified way that four screamed on that stage. he tried so hard to pull her sister's shadow away from her with his own. tried to do anything, tried to help - because that's all he wanted to do. then, and now, that hasn't changed. ]
[ she is so easily swayed and she hates how easily she's swayed, but how can she resist someone when they say they'll accept for all the good and the bad? when she is mostly bad?
there is little to change that because she doesn't know how to, and she doesn't care to. if you don't want her at her worst, you can't get her at her slightly less than worst. ]
Why did it have to be you who killed me?
[ her voice grows softer, as it breaks on the word killed. she has no compunctions about killing others, but she hates thinking about people who she wants to care about her killing her. ]
I - did miss you. And I hated missing you. I wanted to hear your voice again, but at the same time, I never wanted to again.
I want to believe you, but I—
[ am too afraid to. don't know how to. wish i didn't want to. ]
that's the question lu bixing has been asking himself, too. it's been a long time since the execution, and he's had nothing but time to think about it. nothing but time to reflect, each week of their executions, on that stage and the shadows, on the cruelty of this place as a whole. and ultimately, it comes down to the same answer he came to the first night.
because he was the cruelest choice.
bixing hates it too. it breaks his heart into pieces when four's voice cracks, and instinctually, almost, he takes a step forward, a little closer to her, hands curling at his sides to keep himself from reaching out. he wouldn't have even hesitated, weeks ago, but the execution itself was like a wedge. even he's lost for words for a moment with the weight of emotions, and bixing bites the inside of his cheek before he starts. ]
...I know. [ it comes out a little rougher with that weight, not meanly so, but heavy. she doesn't have to finish. he knows her trauma - he knows what happened to her, knows why lu bixing of all people standing across the way was the most brutal choice. ]
I can't - I don't blame you. [ that first. not for the conflict of emotions, not for the more negative ones, either. his hands curl at his sides, again, just once. ] And I don't want to rush you, or force you, but I ...
[ and then, he eventually holds them out, palm up. open trust. ]
...as far as I'm concerned, I'll be here. When you're ready and when you're not, I'll still be here. It's okay, if you're scared, but... if you want to reach out to me, I promise you, I'll always reach back.
[ it is simple for four to victimize herself, to think about how unfair any and every world is to her, to wonder what did she do to deserve such suffering. it doesn't stop her from craving what lu bixing offers. it doesn't stop her from wanting to believe, to think that even if it doesn't make sense to her, shouldn't she accept it?
(she wants to be loved. more than anything, she wants to be loved. she'll throw away almost anything to be loved.)
shouldn't she have someone who will be there for her?
(but he won't, will he? if satan's party isn't a sham, he'll be revived, and he will no longer be there. he will no longer be here.
he will no longer be—)
her eyes well with tears, and they spill over, ugly drop by ugly drop. ]
You promise? No matter what I'll say or do, you won't leave me? No matter what happens, you'll be there?
[ even if this just means four is now going to end up bringing him a corpse like a cat brings you a mouse at some point in his life this is fine
at this point, he can't really stop himself. when four starts to cry, his heart just moves, and lu bixing takes the last step forward to reach into his bag and fidget around for a pack of tissues, pulling one out and - after just a brief hesitation - reaching out to see if she'll let him wipe her face. his expression's so, so soft and so sad, brows crinkled together, mouth a bow of a frown. ]
I promise. [ there's a little pause, as he composes himself together before he starts to cry. his remaining eye's a little misty, but he swallows it back. ] The first step's going to be getting everyone out of here - all of us. I don't like to say things I don't mean, and when I plan to do something, I plan to follow through with it. So... I'll have faith in you, if you'll have a little faith in me.
[ it's going to so many corpses if he doesn't watch out.
she lets him because she only needs someone to take the first step once. she needs someone to make that first move despite how she might push them away, in spite of how murderous she can. unfairly, she needs to see if someone will cross the distance even knowing everything she is.
her shoulders tremble a little as he wipes at her face, and her gloved fingers reach out to grab onto any loose fabric of lu bixing's shirt. ]
Okay.
[ she doesn't care about getting everyone out, but she can put a little faith in him, here and now. ]
that small, gloved hand in his shirt is familiar. it's a flashback to the execution itself, how the very last thing four did as the lethal injection took hold was to curl her hand in his shirt and hold on. it's such a fragile, tentative thing that it makes his heart ache, and honestly, he can't help himself.
the fussy wiping away of tears turns into just holding her face very gently in his hands, thumbs stroking over her cheekbones. bixing looks soft and worried, brows knit together, but the warmth in his eyes is undeniable, the desperately honest attention and kindness that almost comes out of his pores, the want to try and fix this, to help her, as present and real as it was the day of the execution itself. ]
Okay. [ agreeing. and then, with a little smile: ] I'll do my best not to disappoint.
[ when he pulls back finally, it's with one last little fuss - quickly brushing any dirt off of her shoulders and checking her over like he can make sure, make absolutely sure she's okay. in an hour or so he's going to hear four's voicemail and about lose it in his baby emotions but for now, things are minimally embarrassing and decidedly better. ]
Do you think you could show me around the city a little? I'd like to spend some time with you.
[ she looks up at him, as he fusses over her. it's almost odd for her to be one being taken care of when she's the one used to picking up after her sisters when she was alive. she doesn't hate it even it's a little foreign to her. her sisters did love her, but they were all absorbed with their own priorities.
lu bixing treats her so young and it makes her feel so young and maybe she is that young, but it's no less odd a feeling to act her age.
she smiles, almost like she wasn't crying a minute ago, the tears dried and wiped off her face. ]
All right. You can find almost anything in the city, even things you would never have considered. There was some vendor the other day, saying he'd sell you the bones of your enemy, but it's not like he'd know my enemies?
[ she gestures in a direction. ]
There are some freaks around even when you consider the people in our group, so watch out, okay?
[ she's saying, don't give into your terrible taste and be nice to any and every rando. ]
okay. the moment's not quite passed, but it feels a little better; lu bixing lets the thread of normalcy fill him up like a warm cup of tea as he takes the rest of his akira tissues back and tucks them into his breast pocket. he likes to see that smile - coupled with the talk about enemies bones and freaks in the crowd, it feels very, very real. less a fake personality. less playing pretend.
he holds out his arm like a gentleman once she's gestured - and then throws his head back and laughs at the comment about the freaks, just as bright as the sun. ] Ha! I'll do my best. Believe it or not, I grew up in a city just like this, Four. There weren't any demons, but there were definitely a lot of freaks.
[ bixing sounds so affectionate when he says that - his bizarre little galaxy, his home sweet home. every planet he's ever lived on has been a bustling metropolis, the slums of the interplanetary union system, and even his current home isn't too different. (though, the infrastructure and quality of living? that's much better, but that's neither here nor there.) ]
I'll count on you to steer me in the right direction. Maybe we could get something to eat. Or we could try and find some bubble tea! That might be fun.
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no subject
she wonders if there's something wrong with him, too, to miss her like that. she knows she wouldn't miss her. four is not unmoved even if she thinks he's being stupid. she does want his warmth, but she's not convinced she won't lose it. ]
I tried to kill you. I could and would kill any of you.
[ she doesn't want to lose her abilities or get stuck in jail for a day, but it's not a lie. ]
no subject
he listens to her, though - because of course he does. lets her spit the words sharp as she'd like, and responds back calmly, like waves washing up against a shore. ]
I did kill you.
[ it's quiet, too. point blank. whether he chose to or not is irrelevant.
there's a slight pause. ]
I miss you because there's nothing about you - not that I knew before, and not that I learned - that could change the fact that I care about you. And that's you as the Four that I've met, not as any act to be held up. Good and bad.
[ he still has nightmares, about the terrified way that four screamed on that stage. he tried so hard to pull her sister's shadow away from her with his own. tried to do anything, tried to help - because that's all he wanted to do. then, and now, that hasn't changed. ]
no subject
there is little to change that because she doesn't know how to, and she doesn't care to. if you don't want her at her worst, you can't get her at her slightly less than worst. ]
Why did it have to be you who killed me?
[ her voice grows softer, as it breaks on the word killed. she has no compunctions about killing others, but she hates thinking about people who she wants to care about her killing her. ]
I - did miss you. And I hated missing you. I wanted to hear your voice again, but at the same time, I never wanted to again.
I want to believe you, but I—
[ am too afraid to. don't know how to. wish i didn't want to. ]
no subject
that's the question lu bixing has been asking himself, too. it's been a long time since the execution, and he's had nothing but time to think about it. nothing but time to reflect, each week of their executions, on that stage and the shadows, on the cruelty of this place as a whole. and ultimately, it comes down to the same answer he came to the first night.
because he was the cruelest choice.
bixing hates it too. it breaks his heart into pieces when four's voice cracks, and instinctually, almost, he takes a step forward, a little closer to her, hands curling at his sides to keep himself from reaching out. he wouldn't have even hesitated, weeks ago, but the execution itself was like a wedge. even he's lost for words for a moment with the weight of emotions, and bixing bites the inside of his cheek before he starts. ]
...I know. [ it comes out a little rougher with that weight, not meanly so, but heavy. she doesn't have to finish. he knows her trauma - he knows what happened to her, knows why lu bixing of all people standing across the way was the most brutal choice. ]
I can't - I don't blame you. [ that first. not for the conflict of emotions, not for the more negative ones, either. his hands curl at his sides, again, just once. ] And I don't want to rush you, or force you, but I ...
[ and then, he eventually holds them out, palm up. open trust. ]
...as far as I'm concerned, I'll be here. When you're ready and when you're not, I'll still be here. It's okay, if you're scared, but... if you want to reach out to me, I promise you, I'll always reach back.
no subject
(she wants to be loved. more than anything, she wants to be loved. she'll throw away almost anything to be loved.)
shouldn't she have someone who will be there for her?
(but he won't, will he? if satan's party isn't a sham, he'll be revived, and he will no longer be there. he will no longer be here.
he will no longer be—)
her eyes well with tears, and they spill over, ugly drop by ugly drop. ]
You promise? No matter what I'll say or do, you won't leave me? No matter what happens, you'll be there?
no subject
at this point, he can't really stop himself. when four starts to cry, his heart just moves, and lu bixing takes the last step forward to reach into his bag and fidget around for a pack of tissues, pulling one out and - after just a brief hesitation - reaching out to see if she'll let him wipe her face. his expression's so, so soft and so sad, brows crinkled together, mouth a bow of a frown. ]
I promise. [ there's a little pause, as he composes himself together before he starts to cry. his remaining eye's a little misty, but he swallows it back. ] The first step's going to be getting everyone out of here - all of us. I don't like to say things I don't mean, and when I plan to do something, I plan to follow through with it. So... I'll have faith in you, if you'll have a little faith in me.
Okay?
no subject
she lets him because she only needs someone to take the first step once. she needs someone to make that first move despite how she might push them away, in spite of how murderous she can. unfairly, she needs to see if someone will cross the distance even knowing everything she is.
her shoulders tremble a little as he wipes at her face, and her gloved fingers reach out to grab onto any loose fabric of lu bixing's shirt. ]
Okay.
[ she doesn't care about getting everyone out, but she can put a little faith in him, here and now. ]
... I'll watch you.
no subject
that small, gloved hand in his shirt is familiar. it's a flashback to the execution itself, how the very last thing four did as the lethal injection took hold was to curl her hand in his shirt and hold on. it's such a fragile, tentative thing that it makes his heart ache, and honestly, he can't help himself.
the fussy wiping away of tears turns into just holding her face very gently in his hands, thumbs stroking over her cheekbones. bixing looks soft and worried, brows knit together, but the warmth in his eyes is undeniable, the desperately honest attention and kindness that almost comes out of his pores, the want to try and fix this, to help her, as present and real as it was the day of the execution itself. ]
Okay. [ agreeing. and then, with a little smile: ] I'll do my best not to disappoint.
[ when he pulls back finally, it's with one last little fuss - quickly brushing any dirt off of her shoulders and checking her over like he can make sure, make absolutely sure she's okay. in an hour or so he's going to hear four's voicemail and about lose it in his baby emotions but for now, things are minimally embarrassing and decidedly better. ]
Do you think you could show me around the city a little? I'd like to spend some time with you.
no subject
lu bixing treats her so young and it makes her feel so young and maybe she is that young, but it's no less odd a feeling to act her age.
she smiles, almost like she wasn't crying a minute ago, the tears dried and wiped off her face. ]
All right. You can find almost anything in the city, even things you would never have considered. There was some vendor the other day, saying he'd sell you the bones of your enemy, but it's not like he'd know my enemies?
[ she gestures in a direction. ]
There are some freaks around even when you consider the people in our group, so watch out, okay?
[ she's saying, don't give into your terrible taste and be nice to any and every rando. ]
no subject
okay. the moment's not quite passed, but it feels a little better; lu bixing lets the thread of normalcy fill him up like a warm cup of tea as he takes the rest of his akira tissues back and tucks them into his breast pocket. he likes to see that smile - coupled with the talk about enemies bones and freaks in the crowd, it feels very, very real. less a fake personality. less playing pretend.
he holds out his arm like a gentleman once she's gestured - and then throws his head back and laughs at the comment about the freaks, just as bright as the sun. ] Ha! I'll do my best. Believe it or not, I grew up in a city just like this, Four. There weren't any demons, but there were definitely a lot of freaks.
[ bixing sounds so affectionate when he says that - his bizarre little galaxy, his home sweet home. every planet he's ever lived on has been a bustling metropolis, the slums of the interplanetary union system, and even his current home isn't too different. (though, the infrastructure and quality of living? that's much better, but that's neither here nor there.) ]
I'll count on you to steer me in the right direction. Maybe we could get something to eat. Or we could try and find some bubble tea! That might be fun.