[ he can't look. lin jingheng's eyes feel like they're boring into him - and what a relief. what a relief, to know he's looking, that he sees him, but it hurts all the same. when bixing speaks again, his voice is tight, almost desperate. ] Far.
[ and the words start to come out in a rush, ignoring of the way it feels like his broken ribs stab into his lungs when he talks, ignoring the pain. ]
You were - there were these ghosts that possessed people, and they'd been feeding on different, on our groups, when we went out to look for evidence and - we were trying to avoid them, keep people safe, but one took you rand you were - you were there and then you'd been gone, you were already gone, and Lavi, he -
[ "sorry, teach".
the lump in his throat tightens, and he takes a deep, heaving breath that dissolves into a cough, that makes his entire body ache, and lu bixing shivers, all over, just once. if he closes his eye for a second, he'll see it again. ]
[ THIS SOUNDS LIKE SUCH A NIGHTMARE HE'S SO CONFUSED like already from square one confused as shit. but he doesn't blame bixing for incoherence or stumbling. instead he just moves to rub the space between his shoulder blades. ]
Easy... easy, it's alright.
A breath... take a breath, slower this time. [ before you startle your ribs again... ]
[ he hiccups, and it hurts, and the words burst out out of his mouth, his pained, concussed head pounding as he jerks it to look at him, almost desperation in his voice, hands grabbing at the closest part of lin he can physically reach - ]
You were possessed, and whatever took you had - you weren't you, anymore, and Lavi pulled you off the edge of a cliff to kill you.
that's it. he's grabbed and he holds to lu bixing's knuckles, gazing at him for the longest moment in the universe. ]
Mm.
[ do not hyperventilate on his watch. not allowed. i mean, it's allowed, but he will stop you. the fact that this place has been using lavi too has him even more heated, and it's only tempered by the fact that lu bixing needs him now more than ever. he's been teetering on the precipice and he has to pull him back. ]
... Could you tell me what happened next? Go ahead... don't be afraid.
[ it's just me. i know. i know i know, i saw it all. ]
[ the hold helps. looking into lin's eyes - gray as stormclouds, beautiful and perfect, framed by long lashes - knowing they're his, that there's something there, and not the dead-eyed stare that lu bixing met on the edge of that cliff.
he swallows. swallows like it's around a star, bright and painful and terrible. don't be afraid, coaxes, but he's terrified. he's terrified, to tell lin this, but he doesn't have to be scared. his hand is trembling, where lin jingheng is holding it, just like the first week. like he's terrified lin might vanish. that he might hate him for the choked off and painful way he says, like a stab in the gut like it might hurt less to just let the words out - ]
I went after you.
[ I fell.
as it turns out, when lu bixing hit his eighth hatch mark, he wasn't going to stand up again. ]
he fell and lin jingheng knows precisely what it means here and now. so he holds fast to him and he makes sure he's steady here next to him, an arm around him with care as he looks at him. he's trying not to let the dam crumble just yet. he doesn't hate him, how could he hate him when he hears that? if anything
he hates himself.
but he's fine with stowing that in the back of his mind, pushing forward through it all with a gently touch of temple to temple, closing his eyes finally and letting out a soft breath. he witnessed lu bixing's slow-motion car crash of a breakdown in the span of what felt like years but was only a short film. it tore through him like a seam ripper, taking his guts apart, impactful snip after snip. he shakes his head. ]
Lu Bixing... [ defiant. ] Lu Bixing, please...
[ he clutches him gingerly, his shirt in his hands now as he climbs in closer. ] Stay with me. I'm not... I won't go.
[ i'm so fucking scared of you i swear to god im going to also jump off of a cliff
he fell. he promised prime minister edward eight times. wondered, sometimes, what he would have done, if he didn't make it. if his eighth hatch mark would lead to the destruction of the galaxies, to the unleashing of an army of super soldiers, to his own sanity spiraling into utter despair. it led to something simpler. a leap. a fall.
waking up.
lu bixing take a breath, too. short, sharp, almost a gasp, like he has to force himself to remember, again. focus. focus. focus. this isn't how it happens.
when jingheng comes closer, bixing makes a soft, choked off noise. he lifts his arms, and moves them up, over jingheng's shoulders, slowly, even if it pulls the muscles, even if it hurts, and curls them tight around his shoulders. he hiccups, even if it hurts. feels the tears well up in his remaining eye, and he turns his head against his shoulder and whispers, strained and broken into pieces, like he'd been weeks and weeks ago.]
Please don't.
[ don't leave me. please don't leave me. ] I can't - I can't, I can't do it without you. I can't. I know I can't.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ and the words start to come out in a rush, ignoring of the way it feels like his broken ribs stab into his lungs when he talks, ignoring the pain. ]
You were - there were these ghosts that possessed people, and they'd been feeding on different, on our groups, when we went out to look for evidence and - we were trying to avoid them, keep people safe, but one took you rand you were - you were there and then you'd been gone, you were already gone, and Lavi, he -
[ "sorry, teach".
the lump in his throat tightens, and he takes a deep, heaving breath that dissolves into a cough, that makes his entire body ache, and lu bixing shivers, all over, just once. if he closes his eye for a second, he'll see it again. ]
no subject
Easy... easy, it's alright.
A breath... take a breath, slower this time. [ before you startle your ribs again... ]
no subject
You were possessed, and whatever took you had - you weren't you, anymore, and Lavi pulled you off the edge of a cliff to kill you.
[ right in front of lu bixing. ]
no subject
that's it. he's grabbed and he holds to lu bixing's knuckles, gazing at him for the longest moment in the universe. ]
Mm.
[ do not hyperventilate on his watch. not allowed. i mean, it's allowed, but he will stop you. the fact that this place has been using lavi too has him even more heated, and it's only tempered by the fact that lu bixing needs him now more than ever. he's been teetering on the precipice and he has to pull him back. ]
... Could you tell me what happened next? Go ahead... don't be afraid.
[ it's just me. i know. i know i know, i saw it all. ]
no subject
he swallows. swallows like it's around a star, bright and painful and terrible. don't be afraid, coaxes, but he's terrified. he's terrified, to tell lin this, but he doesn't have to be scared. his hand is trembling, where lin jingheng is holding it, just like the first week. like he's terrified lin might vanish. that he might hate him for the choked off and painful way he says, like a stab in the gut like it might hurt less to just let the words out - ]
I went after you.
[ I fell.
as it turns out, when lu bixing hit his eighth hatch mark, he wasn't going to stand up again. ]
no subject
he fell and lin jingheng knows precisely what it means here and now. so he holds fast to him and he makes sure he's steady here next to him, an arm around him with care as he looks at him. he's trying not to let the dam crumble just yet. he doesn't hate him, how could he hate him when he hears that? if anything
he hates himself.
but he's fine with stowing that in the back of his mind, pushing forward through it all with a gently touch of temple to temple, closing his eyes finally and letting out a soft breath. he witnessed lu bixing's slow-motion car crash of a breakdown in the span of what felt like years but was only a short film. it tore through him like a seam ripper, taking his guts apart, impactful snip after snip. he shakes his head. ]
Lu Bixing... [ defiant. ] Lu Bixing, please...
[ he clutches him gingerly, his shirt in his hands now as he climbs in closer. ] Stay with me. I'm not... I won't go.
It's not real, I won't leave you.
no subject
he fell. he promised prime minister edward eight times. wondered, sometimes, what he would have done, if he didn't make it. if his eighth hatch mark would lead to the destruction of the galaxies, to the unleashing of an army of super soldiers, to his own sanity spiraling into utter despair. it led to something simpler. a leap. a fall.
waking up.
lu bixing take a breath, too. short, sharp, almost a gasp, like he has to force himself to remember, again. focus. focus. focus. this isn't how it happens.
when jingheng comes closer, bixing makes a soft, choked off noise. he lifts his arms, and moves them up, over jingheng's shoulders, slowly, even if it pulls the muscles, even if it hurts, and curls them tight around his shoulders. he hiccups, even if it hurts. feels the tears well up in his remaining eye, and he turns his head against his shoulder and whispers, strained and broken into pieces, like he'd been weeks and weeks ago.]
Please don't.
[ don't leave me. please don't leave me. ] I can't - I can't, I can't do it without you. I can't. I know I can't.