[He says it under his breath, almost — more to himself than to Lu Bixing. Like remembering something long-buried that should've stayed that way.
But then, after a bit, he shakes it off, and finds more confidence in his voice again.]
Funny, isn't it. How we go around thinking we know what's best for them, when in fact they're the ones who've already worked it out, and we'd know it too if we'd only get past ourselves long enough to listen.
[ that gets him to laugh, softly - the second part. ]
Definitely.
[ lu bixing has no kids of his own.
well...
sort of. it's at that moment that the screen finally flickers to life again, and this time, thancred is treated to a memory of lu bixing's life. ]
[ 100 days into your self imposed isolation after the death of lin jingheng and monoeye hawk, you find a black hair on the couch.
it's not anything special. in any other situation, this would be something you'd laugh about as you were cleaning, if that. but today, one hundred days into your self isolation, it's yet another reminder that lin jingheng is dead.
you're not okay, and you haven't been okay, despite the facade that you put on for everyone around you to see. you stare at that tiny piece of hair held in your palm, such a dark brown it looks black, for three hours. you stare at it for so long that the home medical capsule gives you a warning, unsure if you're evne conscious. that snaps you out of it enough that you walk mechanically to your lab, and you seal it under a microscopic glass slide.
that's not enough - no. you pull out your 3D printer, and you take the hair out of the slide with tweezers and create a perfect ball of resin around it.
that's better. (it's not.) it goes in your pocket, and you get up to start your day.
as you read through your personal device's notes from the day before and brush your teeth, mechanically, you realize none of your notes make sense - just senseless, shapeless babblings of a madman. detached, you think, that's unfortunate, and you delete them. one hundred days of notes, and one hundred days in a row that you delete them.
like coming out of a daydream, you realize you've splashed some cold water on your face, and you look at yourself in the mirror. you are a mess - your hair has grown long enough that it's almost touching your shoulders, snarled and curly and ugly. you have stubble and five o clock shadow on your chin. your clothes are wrinkled, there's a stain on your shirt - when was the last time you even changed your clothes - and you can see that your cheeks are sunken in. you look awful. you used to care so much about your appearance. do you care about anything anymore? you should -
... you can't. you can't bring yourself to do anything about it, so you knock your hand against the mirror until it turns away, and you think you might be losing your mind (if it's not already gone) when you hear another knock. you blink. the default AI in your house says, tonelessly:
"Visitor: Mint. Identity has been set to: Your student. Do you wish to answer the door?”
you sigh. ] No.
[ it's not her fault. you don't have anything against her, of course. but the idea of interacting with a single human being makes you want to throw up. you start to turn away, but your personal device starts to yell at you, beeping over and over, and saying, in that same robotic voice: "Legal Guardian obligation."
...right. mint wasn't quite an adult yet - she'd be twenty in just a few months. under the union laws, she wasn't old enough to be alone. the minor protection law keeps children from fully cutting off any communication with their legal guardian, at least in the union. you don't live in the union anymore - you laugh, a little, almost mocking, just sad, and go into your system to delete all records of that law. the beeping silences. you stand there.
...you take a deep breath, and you go to open the door.
facing you is not just mint, but all four of your students. beyond them, you realize dimly, that your front garden has been restored. all the weeds that had grown to the height of the window, the rusted, destroyed robots tha tonce held the sign that greeted home of engineer 001 and commander lin have been repaired and shined to their original condition. the sun is coming through your windows for the first time in one hundred days.
the entire garden is filled with flowers.
your gaze flits across your students. mint, who has recently dyed her hair to be, aptly, mint colored, hiccups. "Professor Lu," she starts, and you feel something swell in your heart that's so heavy you almost can't breathe around it. something in you like a pilot light sputters. ]
Don't cry. [ you say, softly. you want to smile for them. you can't get yourself to smile. you feel ashamed and guilty and horrible and - touched, and so touched you almost can't believe it. ] Did you all clean up the garden?
[ white, the blonde, interrupts you. he also looks like he's going to cry, but he says, "Professor, we’re here to help you, is that ok? We’ll help you fix Zhanlu’s system.".
now that's kind of funny. that's what you've been trying to do for the past hundred days. zhanlu is the most complex piece of machinery arguably in any of the eight galaxies, and it's your system to fix, and the idea of them being able to fix it - they could barely do math, when you first met them, all the way back on beijing beta, twenty years ago.
how could you guys fix anything with your little brains? All you guys can do is fix up some smaller robots and serve some tea, what else can you all even do? you think, to yourself.
rickhead, the biggest one, the redhead, interrupts you. he has never been good at any kind of mechanical work no matter how many times you teach him and he is blatantly aware of it. his face and his eyes are bright red, and he is sniffling, and before you can kindly reject their ridiculous offer, he says, "I can't do anything...Professor Lu, at least let me serve you some coffee..."
these four kids are the only survivors of beijing beta being blown up. they'd wandered around the galaxy under your wing, and grown up faster than any kid deserved to have to grow up. when they gather around you like this, they're like a pack of tiny, lost stray animals, staring at you with their eyes so hopeful that it could be a commercial. you don't know whether to laugh or to cry, something thick in your throat.
because this is the thing. you aren't like lin. you can't just get up every day before sunrise to train even if the world ended. your world has ended, but you have this, this pilot light, this guiding moral that makes you to your core. you would rather die than break the hearts of your students.
you swallow, hard. and, slowly, you nod - you watch huang jiangshu, the smallest of your students, brighten up like the sun, and you agree: ] ....Okay. I'll let you handle the coffee from now on.
[ what you didn't realize then is that this moment single handedly ripped open the crack in your isolated, miserable life and brought the light back in. your students visit you every single day, to make coffee and clean the house and decorate and try and help (badly) (they're so bad at it, even now). you start to put yourself together. you shave. you cut your hair. you take a fucking shower.
and day by day, bit by bit, a tiny part of you starts to heal. ]
[What's strange about seeing this memory unfold is how Thancred can see himself in all of it. The wreckage of a man reflected back in a mirror after a loss too terrible to bear. The grasping for memories and mementos because they're all that man will ever have, because the person they're reminiscent of is never (never) (never) coming back. The resentment of being approached, the reluctance to engage.
And yet he remembers being a child who looked up to a man of vision and believed in the things he believed in because he believed in the man himself — and he knows how it would feel to see one's inspiration reduced to the way Lu Bixing looks when he opens the door, devastation within and hope begging to be afforded a foothold.]
it's not the first time he's seen this memory, this week, but even still - watching it makes his heart ache. the ripple of emotions in his chest is somewhere between nostalgia and shame, but more than anything else, looking at those four eager faces, he misses them, almost desperately. ]
...They are.
[ his voice is softer than it was before, colored with the gutpunched sort of fondness that comes from watching a scene like that in hindsight. ] Huang Jiangshu, Mint, White, and Rickhead.
[The devastated man in the memory bears little resemblance to the enthusiastic, upbeat LBX he's grown accustomed to around superhell. So either the man is a consummate professional at repression, or there have been developments past this one that changed the circumstances altogether.]
[ both of those things are true, actually! haha!!! its fine!!!! ]
...About fifteen years, give or take. [ he rubs a little bit at the inside of his arm, a little sheepish as the images finally settle. ] I looked like a mess, huh?
[ lbx :handshake: thancred, hands overflowing with uno cards after "confess to an emotion or draw 25"]
You looked like you'd been dragged through all seven hells and back again for good measure. But I'm not about to be hasty to judge, lest these screens pull up some sordid memory of the time I spent a few moons surviving in the open wilderness. You look like a bouquet of roses, there, by comparison.
[He shrugs, smiling faintly.]
Fifteen years — those children are all grown, then, by now. What became of them?
[ yeah!!! see you can get him to make you talk about all your feelings but you want him to talk about crippling grief! forget about it!!
but he smiles a little at that. ]
Mmm. Aging for us works a little differently. They're still pretty young, by our standards, but...
[ ...his remaining eye crinkles a little at the corner, warming his face. ]
...Huang Jiangshu is an incredibly capable pilot in our mech forces. Mint is the head of our wormhole science program, who tirelessly run tests to navigate the Heart of the Rose, the wormhole at the edge of our galaxy. White is a mechanical engineer, like me. And Rickhead... [ a pause. he huffs a laugh, here, fond.. ] Rickhead is in the Eighth Galaxy's Defense Force. He was never very good at math.
[ his BABIES ] When I first met the four of them, they were delinquents. How things changed.
And what standards are those, exactly? By way of comparison, the most long-lived race I've yet encountered on my own star lives around three hundred years. I'm curious how they'd measure up to you and yours.
[At that latter part, though, his smile widens, and turns a little more knowing.]
Funny, that — the way delinquents have a habit of making something of themselves, when given a chance by someone who believes in them.
[ so not that different! humans but like Space Humans.
and. ah, yeah. he smiles for real now, ducking his head - a little modestly, a little embarrassed. ]
That's the hope. [ ... ] The four of them didn't have much choice but to grow up fast - when their home planet was destroyed, they lost everything. We all did. They've been with me ever since, all because the four of them tried to steal a mech and fly off planet and I had to chase them down before they got themselves killed.
[ but thancred's right. they have come so far. watching that little scene, he's just reminded, achingly, of how much they'd done. how far they'd come since they sobbed into the front of his shirt watching their lives turned around. how far they'd come since they had to learn how to be adults far, far too fast.
and the only thing more valuable than knowledge is the starry sky above us. it had been such a cheesy motto, then, but thinking about the world that he'd asked them to look up to even from the pits of their despair turned out to be the same lesson that they taught him, when his entire world went dark makes him softer than ever. ]
...They're my pride and joy. [ lu bixing admits. ] And they saved me.
[Space Humans are more like Eorzean rabbit people than ones like Thancred, but two fifty is right in line with what he'd expect of a variety of people, so he nods.
But there's one thing a little more pressing there to follow up on, so — ]
...Beijing Beta - the planet where all of us lived - was the second casualty in a war that was started by a madman against the Eighth Galaxy named Ares Von. He used his fleets to annihilate Cayley, the capital planet of the galaxy, where I grew up, and then turned them on Beijing Beta, and annihilated it in a second.
[ ... ]
There was no rhyme or reason as to why he chose it short of the fact that it was there. Millions of lives snuffed out in a second.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He says it under his breath, almost — more to himself than to Lu Bixing. Like remembering something long-buried that should've stayed that way.
But then, after a bit, he shakes it off, and finds more confidence in his voice again.]
Funny, isn't it. How we go around thinking we know what's best for them, when in fact they're the ones who've already worked it out, and we'd know it too if we'd only get past ourselves long enough to listen.
no subject
Definitely.
[ lu bixing has no kids of his own.
well...
sort of. it's at that moment that the screen finally flickers to life again, and this time, thancred is treated to a memory of lu bixing's life. ]
no subject
And yet he remembers being a child who looked up to a man of vision and believed in the things he believed in because he believed in the man himself — and he knows how it would feel to see one's inspiration reduced to the way Lu Bixing looks when he opens the door, devastation within and hope begging to be afforded a foothold.]
Your protégés, I gather?
no subject
it's not the first time he's seen this memory, this week, but even still - watching it makes his heart ache. the ripple of emotions in his chest is somewhere between nostalgia and shame, but more than anything else, looking at those four eager faces, he misses them, almost desperately. ]
...They are.
[ his voice is softer than it was before, colored with the gutpunched sort of fondness that comes from watching a scene like that in hindsight. ] Huang Jiangshu, Mint, White, and Rickhead.
no subject
[The devastated man in the memory bears little resemblance to the enthusiastic, upbeat LBX he's grown accustomed to around superhell. So either the man is a consummate professional at repression, or there have been developments past this one that changed the circumstances altogether.]
no subject
...About fifteen years, give or take. [ he rubs a little bit at the inside of his arm, a little sheepish as the images finally settle. ] I looked like a mess, huh?
no subject
You looked like you'd been dragged through all seven hells and back again for good measure. But I'm not about to be hasty to judge, lest these screens pull up some sordid memory of the time I spent a few moons surviving in the open wilderness. You look like a bouquet of roses, there, by comparison.
[He shrugs, smiling faintly.]
Fifteen years — those children are all grown, then, by now. What became of them?
no subject
but he smiles a little at that. ]
Mmm. Aging for us works a little differently. They're still pretty young, by our standards, but...
[ ...his remaining eye crinkles a little at the corner, warming his face. ]
...Huang Jiangshu is an incredibly capable pilot in our mech forces. Mint is the head of our wormhole science program, who tirelessly run tests to navigate the Heart of the Rose, the wormhole at the edge of our galaxy. White is a mechanical engineer, like me. And Rickhead... [ a pause. he huffs a laugh, here, fond.. ] Rickhead is in the Eighth Galaxy's Defense Force. He was never very good at math.
[ his BABIES ] When I first met the four of them, they were delinquents. How things changed.
no subject
[At that latter part, though, his smile widens, and turns a little more knowing.]
Funny, that — the way delinquents have a habit of making something of themselves, when given a chance by someone who believes in them.
no subject
[ so not that different! humans but like Space Humans.
and. ah, yeah. he smiles for real now, ducking his head - a little modestly, a little embarrassed. ]
That's the hope. [ ... ] The four of them didn't have much choice but to grow up fast - when their home planet was destroyed, they lost everything. We all did. They've been with me ever since, all because the four of them tried to steal a mech and fly off planet and I had to chase them down before they got themselves killed.
[ but thancred's right. they have come so far. watching that little scene, he's just reminded, achingly, of how much they'd done. how far they'd come since they sobbed into the front of his shirt watching their lives turned around. how far they'd come since they had to learn how to be adults far, far too fast.
and the only thing more valuable than knowledge is the starry sky above us. it had been such a cheesy motto, then, but thinking about the world that he'd asked them to look up to even from the pits of their despair turned out to be the same lesson that they taught him, when his entire world went dark makes him softer than ever. ]
...They're my pride and joy. [ lu bixing admits. ] And they saved me.
no subject
But there's one thing a little more pressing there to follow up on, so — ]
Destroyed? How?
no subject
[ ... ]
There was no rhyme or reason as to why he chose it short of the fact that it was there. Millions of lives snuffed out in a second.