... I would've done, but... y'know. You told me how much losing him would break you if you went through it again.
[ it's not like... a heroic thing to have done. not shooting a guy. even though it would've been easy -- so easy, worryingly easy, now he thinks about it. to kill a fake person for a fake person that mattered more to him.
[ bixing's quiet for a moment, looking down at his hands, at his arms, knowing the slight sting of the scratch mark on the inside of his left like a reminder.
he says, soft: ]
...It did. [ break him. he doesn't know how much date saw, really. in a tunnel of his own grief, he'd just... ] ...and it does. [ deserve a thank you. ]
he's quiet, for a moment longer, letting that settle. and then - the anxiety aches a little bit, makes his heart beat a little too hard, and he can't just. he has to ask. a pause. ]
he winces a little bit, at least, and turns his head away - guilty really. ashamed. ]
... I'm sorry. [ that he had to see that, really. that he gave up. if bixing gets too close to it, he remembers too much, remembers that dead eyed stare. remembers lavi, his sympathetic smile. his stomach twists. ] I...
[ i don't think i could take it. i'm not strong enough.
he shifts a little, reaching up to rub a hand carefully over his face. ]
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... I would've done, but... y'know. You told me how much losing him would break you if you went through it again.
[ it's not like... a heroic thing to have done. not shooting a guy. even though it would've been easy -- so easy, worryingly easy, now he thinks about it. to kill a fake person for a fake person that mattered more to him.
he doesn't like that. ]
I'm not sure that deserves a thank you.
no subject
he says, soft: ]
...It did. [ break him. he doesn't know how much date saw, really. in a tunnel of his own grief, he'd just... ] ...and it does. [ deserve a thank you. ]
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[ .... it didn't really do them any good. pulling the trigger, not pulling the trigger. the outcome was the same. ]
But... okay. You're welcome. Whatever that's worth.
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[ god.
he's quiet, for a moment longer, letting that settle. and then - the anxiety aches a little bit, makes his heart beat a little too hard, and he can't just. he has to ask. a pause. ]
...Did you...
[ did you see? ]
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after a moment, he nods. ]
I wasn't near enough to intervene, but I had sights on the cliff.
no subject
he winces a little bit, at least, and turns his head away - guilty really. ashamed. ]
... I'm sorry. [ that he had to see that, really. that he gave up. if bixing gets too close to it, he remembers too much, remembers that dead eyed stare. remembers lavi, his sympathetic smile. his stomach twists. ] I...
[ i don't think i could take it. i'm not strong enough.
he shifts a little, reaching up to rub a hand carefully over his face. ]
no subject
It's not like you didn't tell me as much.
[ seeing it was... something. yeah. but...
y'know. ]