Lavi had almost forgotten -- that this is what grief is. Not an abstract sort of grief, but something so personal and so intimate, that seeing it feels as violating as having his own memories exposed in return. This is the howling in the darkness, this is the other side of having loved someone so deeply -- this is what the Order thinks it's eliminating, this is what the Earl thinks is humanity's weakness.
Loving, and mourning.
This is what Bixing meant, in the dark corners of their shared room, expression taut -- that he'd lost Jingheng once, and through him, had lost himself.
For a time.
...This is that time, isn't it? And what a long time it is. This is grief that lingers, the desperation that Lavi can see coloring the memory. But in this one, Bixing rejects the miracle. In this one, he takes no one else's hand, dooms no one's soul but his own. It should feel like a victory, maybe. But it doesn't.]
in a way, he should've been expecting this one. so far, it's just been the worst of the worst at almost every turn with these memories, so go figure, lavi gets to see this. it's even a conversation they've had, before, of the darkest part of lu bixing's life but nothing ever prepares him for it.
it's been on the back of his mind since he returned from his little adventure, and that's part of why his hand covers his forearm, even now, almost absently, his thumb pressing into the skin under his shirt, and he's a little lost in it when lavi finally speaks up.
bixing's still looking up at the screen, and when he talks, its with a slow exhale that sounds a little bitter, though his voice stays measured. calm. ]
... He saw the same thing.
[ the same memory, of course. the worst part of his life, the slow crumbling meltdown of grief that threatened to suck him under like a riptide. the ugliest parts of lu bixing. sometimes, he still thinks jingheng must have been disgusted. he thinks it every time he rolls up his shirt sleeve. ]
Lavi crosses the already small distance this pit affords, (thinks about how lavi is taller than bixing), then slides his fingers around the crook of Bixing's elbow, tugging so that he can hold his hand with the other. touch week? or....?]
...A one-two punch, huh? Figures. [how every appropriate for this place, nothing beats putting your memories on live TV if it won't hurt the person seeing them.
He doesn't say anything else. Doesn't apologize or ask why. He just holds Bixing's hand and looks down at his knuckles, and thinks about how warm and alive the other man is, even if the rest of Bixing doesn't feel that way.]
he doesn't seem to mind too much - he lets lavi take his hand with no resistance, lets him pull it off of his arm. interestingly, it's not his right hand pressed over the track marks, but his left hand pressed over something on his right. either way, there's no fight, and he lets him take his hand and hold it.
a one two punch. yeah. it makes him laugh a little, actually, and he lifts his other hand to run his fingers through his hair. ]
Mm. [ a pause, and then a little ruefully: ] I saw one of the only things about his life I didn't really know, so... I guess it was fair.
[ he guesses. ]
It was a bad time. [ understatement of the fucking century ] But, it's over now.
[bixing with a gift for science and for understatement. Lavi doesn't comment or protest. He's said as much to all of his own traumas and feelings -- it's over, so no use dwelling on them now.
He squeezes Bixing's hand once and then draws away,]
Well, luckily for you -- you're about to be distracted.
oh. a memory within a memory, and one that evolves as much as lavi did, it seems. his time as a bookman, the person who stands beside him as a mentor, hints at a life that's been lived over and over, an inhuman life with different names and different pasts, and the concepts of recording histories; bixing is quiet as the screen slowly fades to black, and leaves just the two of them sitting there.
the idea of a neutral party is the sort of thing a scientist would dream about, but, well. bixing's never been a neutral party himself, even when he had to force himself to be. he can't actually imagine lavi doing as well as he might pretend with that lighthearted, easy remark at the end, either, but he keeps that to himself.
[hmmm, well. as memories go, this isn't the worst one, though Lavi doesn't categorize his memories in terms of trauma, just by their importance to the Bookman legacy.
This one... is troublesome, but nothing too bad. now, what would be REALLY bad is if Bixing got to see what Lavi looks without his eye patch! But since canon will never tell us, Lavi's secret will continue to be secret.]
Yup, that's Gramps. He goes by his title 'Bookman'. I call him Panda too, because of the rings under his eyes.
[he makes circles with his hands and places them over his eye,]
it's kind of cute to see lavi talk so affectionately about his 'gramps', and the panda gesture does make him laugh, lightly, as he finally looks back at lavi and away from the actual screen. ]
You must look up to him a lot. [ a pause, musing: ] You were a very cute kid.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I DID ASK FOR THIS LIKE A FOOLE
Lavi had almost forgotten -- that this is what grief is. Not an abstract sort of grief, but something so personal and so intimate, that seeing it feels as violating as having his own memories exposed in return. This is the howling in the darkness, this is the other side of having loved someone so deeply -- this is what the Order thinks it's eliminating, this is what the Earl thinks is humanity's weakness.
Loving, and mourning.
This is what Bixing meant, in the dark corners of their shared room, expression taut -- that he'd lost Jingheng once, and through him, had lost himself.
For a time.
...This is that time, isn't it? And what a long time it is. This is grief that lingers, the desperation that Lavi can see coloring the memory. But in this one, Bixing rejects the miracle. In this one, he takes no one else's hand, dooms no one's soul but his own. It should feel like a victory, maybe. But it doesn't.]
...Does Jingheng know? Where your marks are from.
no subject
in a way, he should've been expecting this one. so far, it's just been the worst of the worst at almost every turn with these memories, so go figure, lavi gets to see this. it's even a conversation they've had, before, of the darkest part of lu bixing's life but nothing ever prepares him for it.
it's been on the back of his mind since he returned from his little adventure, and that's part of why his hand covers his forearm, even now, almost absently, his thumb pressing into the skin under his shirt, and he's a little lost in it when lavi finally speaks up.
bixing's still looking up at the screen, and when he talks, its with a slow exhale that sounds a little bitter, though his voice stays measured. calm. ]
... He saw the same thing.
[ the same memory, of course. the worst part of his life, the slow crumbling meltdown of grief that threatened to suck him under like a riptide. the ugliest parts of lu bixing. sometimes, he still thinks jingheng must have been disgusted. he thinks it every time he rolls up his shirt sleeve. ]
no subject
Lavi crosses the already small distance this pit affords, (thinks about how lavi is taller than bixing), then slides his fingers around the crook of Bixing's elbow, tugging so that he can hold his hand with the other. touch week? or....?]
...A one-two punch, huh? Figures. [how every appropriate for this place, nothing beats putting your memories on live TV if it won't hurt the person seeing them.
He doesn't say anything else. Doesn't apologize or ask why. He just holds Bixing's hand and looks down at his knuckles, and thinks about how warm and alive the other man is, even if the rest of Bixing doesn't feel that way.]
no subject
he doesn't seem to mind too much - he lets lavi take his hand with no resistance, lets him pull it off of his arm. interestingly, it's not his right hand pressed over the track marks, but his left hand pressed over something on his right. either way, there's no fight, and he lets him take his hand and hold it.
a one two punch. yeah. it makes him laugh a little, actually, and he lifts his other hand to run his fingers through his hair. ]
Mm. [ a pause, and then a little ruefully: ] I saw one of the only things about his life I didn't really know, so... I guess it was fair.
[ he guesses. ]
It was a bad time. [ understatement of the fucking century ] But, it's over now.
no subject
He squeezes Bixing's hand once and then draws away,]
Well, luckily for you -- you're about to be distracted.
[he nods over at the screen as it blinks back on (until 5:40)]
no subject
oh. a memory within a memory, and one that evolves as much as lavi did, it seems. his time as a bookman, the person who stands beside him as a mentor, hints at a life that's been lived over and over, an inhuman life with different names and different pasts, and the concepts of recording histories; bixing is quiet as the screen slowly fades to black, and leaves just the two of them sitting there.
the idea of a neutral party is the sort of thing a scientist would dream about, but, well. bixing's never been a neutral party himself, even when he had to force himself to be. he can't actually imagine lavi doing as well as he might pretend with that lighthearted, easy remark at the end, either, but he keeps that to himself.
instead, in the slight dark, he says, softly: ]
That was your mentor, right?
no subject
This one... is troublesome, but nothing too bad. now, what would be REALLY bad is if Bixing got to see what Lavi looks without his eye patch! But since canon will never tell us, Lavi's secret will continue to be secret.]
Yup, that's Gramps. He goes by his title 'Bookman'. I call him Panda too, because of the rings under his eyes.
[he makes circles with his hands and places them over his eye,]
no subject
it's kind of cute to see lavi talk so affectionately about his 'gramps', and the panda gesture does make him laugh, lightly, as he finally looks back at lavi and away from the actual screen. ]
You must look up to him a lot. [ a pause, musing: ] You were a very cute kid.