[ there's something about being called names during this that's actually really, really comforting. it's so affectionate and sweet that it has no heat to it, and he knows, he knows, it's metaphorical. the pressure releases, and lin jingheng's hand move on his body, and butts his head into his. gently, foreheads touching, letting out a little gasp. ]
I - Lin, I'm not. I'm - you, you know, I can't be him, the person I used to be. [ the words start to come out of his mouth in a wave, a tumbling mountain of desperation, the dam finally cracking as he holds onto lin jingheng's shirt, curling his fingers tight, as desperate as he feels. ] He's gone, and I can't - I don't know how to get him back. You can't love me like this, can you? Someone who needs you to worry about them all the time, or...
[ because he knows lin jingheng, he knows he's fussy, he knows that he hates being bothered, and he knows that he's been nothing but a bother since their first day back together. all lu bixing wants is to be normal with him again, to love him in a way that all the pieces fit together, but it's messy and terrible and he's forgotten the original outline of the puzzle, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop it. ]
[ he says it as he feels the fingers tightening in his shirt, skewing it crooked. lin jingheng presses their foreheads together fast and laughs, laughs in a kind way. ]
You talk so much.
[ while lu bixing may know lin jingheng, but after all of this? after everything? today he had to sit and watch someone die while another nearly joined him. his hands don't shake, and he stays steady, though lingers where he needs to, where his words stretch just the barest bit (only lu bixing knows, only he has gone so far as to hear it himself, fondness). ]
I've missed it... all of it...
[ he leans into every touch, refuses to let lu bixing flutter away from him fearfully. he presses his face into his, his shoulders into his hands. he leans them down and watches the way his eyes, so full of stars, can go dark with dilation in such a way that it makes lin jingheng's heart lodge itself into his throat. ]
[ lin jingheng's laugh is like bells. it's so rare, and to hear it here in this tiny, soft space between them is some kind of absolution - he wants to cry, wants to laugh too, but most of all feels this immense sense of frustration, because - because he's not right. he does talk so much. he talks too much, and none of it works.
he lets him press close, hiccups out a soft little noise as he lifts his arms, away from his shirt, up and around his shoulders. clinging, like a lost, terrified child, as he tries to let it all bubble free. he's missed it, he says. ]
But it's not - you, that person you miss, he's gone, I don't know how to be him anymore.
[ there's desperation, there. he's done so many things in the seventeen years he's been gone - bad things, cruel things, necessary things. he's done things to himself beyond that, locked himself into a year of isolation and misery and threw himself into saving the eighth galaxy, building it up brick by brick. he's torn up the shreds of the optimistic young man he used to be, and he's terrified by the fact htat lin jingheng will see that and set him aside. what if he stopped? what if, in those sixteen years, what if he loved someone else? what if he
his face crumples. it's the aftereffect of the alcohol that made him bold enough for this in the first place, and it affects him here too, as he claws at lin jingheng's back and clings to him and hiccups, brown eyes welling up with tears and starlight all the same. doesn't he get it? doesn't he realize? ] Lin, I don't - I can't...
[ he's babbling, really, now. teary eyed and desperate, trying to do the right thing and say the right thing, and never quite making his mark. ]
[ don't you want to know? don't you want to ask? ask me. go on. ask me if i loved anyone else in those sixteen years and you will know that there was no one else as bright as you.
the hiccup stirs him from his listening, the fingers clawing down his back. this is boldness and alcohol and mourning for the things that they have had to do. voting feels damning and cheap. lin jingheng knows that it's just adding to the pile of what has no doubt been on lu bixing's plate for several years. ]
I have missed you.
[ four simple words as he lets his lips carefully frame where a tear threatens to escape the corner of lu bixing's eye. ]
Don't you get it. You.
[ you don't have to be the same. years will erode away at a person like tides do to cliff faces. you will never be the same as you once were. lin jingheng watches the stars projected into lu bixing's eyes, his voice dying in his throat as he watches him try to define what lin surely fell in love with those years ago.
but he is still in love now. ]
Carved from the weight of a galaxy... your shoulders are so heavy now, Lu Bixing. You think I don't see it? [ he presses their foreheads painfully together. ] You think I am not willingly walking into this with you? Still?
[ softer, the words unearthed from years of staring upwards in his silence, wishing, wanting, waiting: ] I'm holding you like this... and you think that I would sooner discard such a bright star...
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I - Lin, I'm not. I'm - you, you know, I can't be him, the person I used to be. [ the words start to come out of his mouth in a wave, a tumbling mountain of desperation, the dam finally cracking as he holds onto lin jingheng's shirt, curling his fingers tight, as desperate as he feels. ] He's gone, and I can't - I don't know how to get him back. You can't love me like this, can you? Someone who needs you to worry about them all the time, or...
[ because he knows lin jingheng, he knows he's fussy, he knows that he hates being bothered, and he knows that he's been nothing but a bother since their first day back together. all lu bixing wants is to be normal with him again, to love him in a way that all the pieces fit together, but it's messy and terrible and he's forgotten the original outline of the puzzle, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop it. ]
no subject
[ he says it as he feels the fingers tightening in his shirt, skewing it crooked. lin jingheng presses their foreheads together fast and laughs, laughs in a kind way. ]
You talk so much.
[ while lu bixing may know lin jingheng, but after all of this? after everything? today he had to sit and watch someone die while another nearly joined him. his hands don't shake, and he stays steady, though lingers where he needs to, where his words stretch just the barest bit (only lu bixing knows, only he has gone so far as to hear it himself, fondness). ]
I've missed it... all of it...
[ he leans into every touch, refuses to let lu bixing flutter away from him fearfully. he presses his face into his, his shoulders into his hands. he leans them down and watches the way his eyes, so full of stars, can go dark with dilation in such a way that it makes lin jingheng's heart lodge itself into his throat. ]
no subject
he lets him press close, hiccups out a soft little noise as he lifts his arms, away from his shirt, up and around his shoulders. clinging, like a lost, terrified child, as he tries to let it all bubble free. he's missed it, he says. ]
But it's not - you, that person you miss, he's gone, I don't know how to be him anymore.
[ there's desperation, there. he's done so many things in the seventeen years he's been gone - bad things, cruel things, necessary things. he's done things to himself beyond that, locked himself into a year of isolation and misery and threw himself into saving the eighth galaxy, building it up brick by brick. he's torn up the shreds of the optimistic young man he used to be, and he's terrified by the fact htat lin jingheng will see that and set him aside. what if he stopped? what if, in those sixteen years, what if he loved someone else? what if he
his face crumples. it's the aftereffect of the alcohol that made him bold enough for this in the first place, and it affects him here too, as he claws at lin jingheng's back and clings to him and hiccups, brown eyes welling up with tears and starlight all the same. doesn't he get it? doesn't he realize? ] Lin, I don't - I can't...
[ he's babbling, really, now. teary eyed and desperate, trying to do the right thing and say the right thing, and never quite making his mark. ]
no subject
the hiccup stirs him from his listening, the fingers clawing down his back. this is boldness and alcohol and mourning for the things that they have had to do. voting feels damning and cheap. lin jingheng knows that it's just adding to the pile of what has no doubt been on lu bixing's plate for several years. ]
I have missed you.
[ four simple words as he lets his lips carefully frame where a tear threatens to escape the corner of lu bixing's eye. ]
Don't you get it. You.
[ you don't have to be the same. years will erode away at a person like tides do to cliff faces. you will never be the same as you once were. lin jingheng watches the stars projected into lu bixing's eyes, his voice dying in his throat as he watches him try to define what lin surely fell in love with those years ago.
but he is still in love now. ]
Carved from the weight of a galaxy... your shoulders are so heavy now, Lu Bixing. You think I don't see it? [ he presses their foreheads painfully together. ] You think I am not willingly walking into this with you? Still?
[ softer, the words unearthed from years of staring upwards in his silence, wishing, wanting, waiting: ] I'm holding you like this... and you think that I would sooner discard such a bright star...