[ he echoes, looking down at his cup, into the liquid, and he's quiet for a long time. ]
...You know, out of everything here that happens, every bad, awful thing we have week to week, there's one thing here that I hate more than anything else, and its our Thursday nights. [ it seems like a tangent, but, he rubs his thumb against the cold edge of his glass, and continues. ]
There's a reason. A long time ago, there was a serious battle between the Eighth Galaxy and some of our enemies who ambushed us from two sides in an attack we were mostly expecting, though not at the scale and ferocity of it. Lin Jingheng led his squadron ahead to protect a group of civilians, and he promised me that he'd come back through the underground channels we had between galaxies - lines that smugglers used. But I knew - I knew that it was unsafe, and I didn't think he'd come back, and so, I went to get him, or at least back him up. He'd already done something similar more times than I can count.
When I went to get him, his second in command was the one who offered to let me borrow one of her mechs. And when I got into her ship, I went to the elevator to go to the mech bay - and she flooded the bay with a neural anesthetic that put me to sleep against my will. On Lin's orders, because he didn't want me to follow, because he knew I'd be in danger.
When I woke up, he was dead.
All because he wanted to protect me, and the galaxy we'd built, and I had to pick up the pieces afterwards, and there were so many pieces. Every Thursday, I'm terrified that I'll be forced to fall asleep, and I wake up, and he'll be gone. I don't think that will ever go away. I'm still not over it. I won't ever be.
[ he finally glances up from the cup, at that. ]
...I know he's lost a lot - Rynlan and I have a lot in common, in more ways than you'd think. I don't have to tell you that, I'm sure. [ loss, after all - it's familiar. grief. the way rynlan recognized things in lu bixing he's tried very, very hard to hide. ] And I'll tell you this. If I lost Lin again, if he tried to die to save me, then I'd shatter apart in a way I don't think I could put myself back together. I don't think I'd want to live anymore at all.
...All that is to say, maybe Rynlan's better than I am. Maybe he could handle losing you and continuing to live on. [ even though he knows that he doesn't. ] But no one ever accounts for what happens after the moment of self sacrifice, either. No one ever thinks about what happens if someone saves your life, and when they're gone, you don't want to live.
no subject
[ he echoes, looking down at his cup, into the liquid, and he's quiet for a long time. ]
...You know, out of everything here that happens, every bad, awful thing we have week to week, there's one thing here that I hate more than anything else, and its our Thursday nights. [ it seems like a tangent, but, he rubs his thumb against the cold edge of his glass, and continues. ]
There's a reason. A long time ago, there was a serious battle between the Eighth Galaxy and some of our enemies who ambushed us from two sides in an attack we were mostly expecting, though not at the scale and ferocity of it. Lin Jingheng led his squadron ahead to protect a group of civilians, and he promised me that he'd come back through the underground channels we had between galaxies - lines that smugglers used. But I knew - I knew that it was unsafe, and I didn't think he'd come back, and so, I went to get him, or at least back him up. He'd already done something similar more times than I can count.
When I went to get him, his second in command was the one who offered to let me borrow one of her mechs. And when I got into her ship, I went to the elevator to go to the mech bay - and she flooded the bay with a neural anesthetic that put me to sleep against my will. On Lin's orders, because he didn't want me to follow, because he knew I'd be in danger.
When I woke up, he was dead.
All because he wanted to protect me, and the galaxy we'd built, and I had to pick up the pieces afterwards, and there were so many pieces. Every Thursday, I'm terrified that I'll be forced to fall asleep, and I wake up, and he'll be gone. I don't think that will ever go away. I'm still not over it. I won't ever be.
[ he finally glances up from the cup, at that. ]
...I know he's lost a lot - Rynlan and I have a lot in common, in more ways than you'd think. I don't have to tell you that, I'm sure. [ loss, after all - it's familiar. grief. the way rynlan recognized things in lu bixing he's tried very, very hard to hide. ] And I'll tell you this. If I lost Lin again, if he tried to die to save me, then I'd shatter apart in a way I don't think I could put myself back together. I don't think I'd want to live anymore at all.
...All that is to say, maybe Rynlan's better than I am. Maybe he could handle losing you and continuing to live on. [ even though he knows that he doesn't. ] But no one ever accounts for what happens after the moment of self sacrifice, either. No one ever thinks about what happens if someone saves your life, and when they're gone, you don't want to live.