[ thankfully, maybe, he's like a child in jingheng's grasp. it reminds him like an echo of a time forever ago, when someone held him when he wanted to die and reminded him there was more to the world than just pain. and just like the gun was dropped out of his trembling hands then, he doesn't even stop jingheng, now. he lets him kick away the cup. he lets him take the one in his shaking hand, now.
he buries his facein jingheng's shoulder, and thinks, hysterically, i don't want you to, for the first time in his life. shame curls up in his chest like a deadweight, and the two sides of him war at themselves, the one who wants to cling to jingheng like a child and the one who wants to run away. his fingers curl in the back of his jacket.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, and buries it in his shoulder, uselessly, and mumbles: ] I'm sorry.
[ it's a little distant, but he might be sorry for today, or he might be sorry for the fact that he's like this, or he might be sorry for the fact that jingheng had to see it. he still thinks, sometimes he might hate him, hate the way he learned how to cope - to either not feel at all or to drown it, like this, into research, into sleeping pills, into hurting himself to feel okay. ]
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he buries his facein jingheng's shoulder, and thinks, hysterically, i don't want you to, for the first time in his life. shame curls up in his chest like a deadweight, and the two sides of him war at themselves, the one who wants to cling to jingheng like a child and the one who wants to run away. his fingers curl in the back of his jacket.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, and buries it in his shoulder, uselessly, and mumbles: ] I'm sorry.
[ it's a little distant, but he might be sorry for today, or he might be sorry for the fact that he's like this, or he might be sorry for the fact that jingheng had to see it. he still thinks, sometimes he might hate him, hate the way he learned how to cope - to either not feel at all or to drown it, like this, into research, into sleeping pills, into hurting himself to feel okay. ]