[ alive. he's alive. he's alive. lu bixing has been repeating this mantra to himself every single day since he's gotten here, and he's doing it right now, too. he's solid. he's real. he's right here, under lu bixing's nose, in his fingers, under his body. he's grounding himself to it with every technique that his brilliant brain can manage, before he disassociates off of this plane of existence. he lets the nails at the back of his neck, the sound of zhanlu singing.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, burying his face in his shoulder even harder. he's soaking lin's shoulder now, his own shoulders trembling, as he breathes in. cigarette smoke and aftershave. whiskey and lin jingheng. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. (he almost lost him again, he'd been alive and he was miserable and trapped and he almost died and lin jingshu tried to keep him like a flower in a glass dome and lu bixing feels this irrationally angry twist of hatred that's so unlike him that it knocks him almost breathless again and he shivers, forces it back) ]
It's -
[ soft. it's not fine. it's not at all. he can't say that. ]
Two... two thousand times, you said. [ is what lu bixing manages, shakily, curling his fingers white knuckled into the fabric of lin's coat. ] I should have - We could have found you.
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he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, burying his face in his shoulder even harder. he's soaking lin's shoulder now, his own shoulders trembling, as he breathes in. cigarette smoke and aftershave. whiskey and lin jingheng. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. (he almost lost him again, he'd been alive and he was miserable and trapped and he almost died and lin jingshu tried to keep him like a flower in a glass dome and lu bixing feels this irrationally angry twist of hatred that's so unlike him that it knocks him almost breathless again and he shivers, forces it back) ]
It's -
[ soft. it's not fine. it's not at all. he can't say that. ]
Two... two thousand times, you said. [ is what lu bixing manages, shakily, curling his fingers white knuckled into the fabric of lin's coat. ] I should have - We could have found you.