[ there's something about being called names during this that's actually really, really comforting. it's so affectionate and sweet that it has no heat to it, and he knows, he knows, it's metaphorical. the pressure releases, and lin jingheng's hand move on his body, and butts his head into his. gently, foreheads touching, letting out a little gasp. ]

I - Lin, I'm not. I'm - you, you know, I can't be him, the person I used to be. [ the words start to come out of his mouth in a wave, a tumbling mountain of desperation, the dam finally cracking as he holds onto lin jingheng's shirt, curling his fingers tight, as desperate as he feels. ] He's gone, and I can't - I don't know how to get him back. You can't love me like this, can you? Someone who needs you to worry about them all the time, or...

[ because he knows lin jingheng, he knows he's fussy, he knows that he hates being bothered, and he knows that he's been nothing but a bother since their first day back together. all lu bixing wants is to be normal with him again, to love him in a way that all the pieces fit together, but it's messy and terrible and he's forgotten the original outline of the puzzle, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop it. ]