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[ yeah this is gross. i'm upset.
anyways. he does end up just going straight for it because what else is there to really do right now? he leans into lu bixing's hand and lets his own slide to his throat, resting against the pulse of him and content to feel it under his skin. his own heart stutters a little in his chest and he huffs somewhat against his mouth. ]
Too much chocolate. [ he mutters, as if he didn't just smash them and thus turn them into a mess!!! he just licks his lips. ]
anyways. he does end up just going straight for it because what else is there to really do right now? he leans into lu bixing's hand and lets his own slide to his throat, resting against the pulse of him and content to feel it under his skin. his own heart stutters a little in his chest and he huffs somewhat against his mouth. ]
Too much chocolate. [ he mutters, as if he didn't just smash them and thus turn them into a mess!!! he just licks his lips. ]
[ who's fault is that, he does not say but definitely thinks, feeling just like, disguistingly affectionate for lin jingheng. he's so cute. he shouldn't be allowed to be this cute. or maybe he should be? with another loss and - well, two of lu bixing's favorite people are just miserably upset, and maybe it's nice, to have something nice to enjoy for a little while.
he's smiling at him when he pulls back to lick his lips, and watches him do so, even, eyes darting very briefly to his mouth and then back. ]
Expert critique, Commander. [ as if lin is the expert in cooking for even a second. ] Mm... I thought it was good. The right mix of sweet and bitter.
[ flavored with his favorite vitamin lin....... he doesn't say that but it's like clear he's thinking it as he just invades the space between lin jingheng's knees and crowds him a little further. it's a little escapist, but lu bixing wants to stay like this, for a little while, in the bubble of this moment. ]
he's smiling at him when he pulls back to lick his lips, and watches him do so, even, eyes darting very briefly to his mouth and then back. ]
Expert critique, Commander. [ as if lin is the expert in cooking for even a second. ] Mm... I thought it was good. The right mix of sweet and bitter.
[ flavored with his favorite vitamin lin....... he doesn't say that but it's like clear he's thinking it as he just invades the space between lin jingheng's knees and crowds him a little further. it's a little escapist, but lu bixing wants to stay like this, for a little while, in the bubble of this moment. ]
[ it's incredibly escapist actually and lin jingheng has it in mind to push him off before things get too out of hand. but he can't bring himself to really when he knows that lu bixing had been doling out the proverbial chicken soup for the soul... but his arms are probably tired of serving it out.
he needs some himself. ]
You're the scientist, I guess.
[ he leans forward just a little bit, another kiss, a little bit of teeth. the taste still lingers, unfairly good. he wants to find a concrete reason with evidence to hate it. ]
I'll trust the process.
he needs some himself. ]
You're the scientist, I guess.
[ he leans forward just a little bit, another kiss, a little bit of teeth. the taste still lingers, unfairly good. he wants to find a concrete reason with evidence to hate it. ]
I'll trust the process.
[ everything is sad forever!!!!!!!
on this terrible saturday evening once again, it feels at least safe to go back to the room. it feels nice, actually, to step away from everything. from being the world's shoulder to cry on for a little while, and just spend time with lin. actually, what feels better is a chance to maybe throw out the misery of the day, and try and wash it away, and so... he's tugging lin off to the bathroom, and locking everyone else out for a little while.
he's tailing him a little like a puppy, today, just sticking close, and when they get there, he steps in behind lin jingheng and hugs him, wrapping his arms around his waist with no warning or anything, just stepping in and sticking his face in his shoulder and breathing in cigarette smoke and home. ]
... I am sorry. About earlier. I'll still tell you about it, if you want. [ muffled ] Gideon didn't mean it.
on this terrible saturday evening once again, it feels at least safe to go back to the room. it feels nice, actually, to step away from everything. from being the world's shoulder to cry on for a little while, and just spend time with lin. actually, what feels better is a chance to maybe throw out the misery of the day, and try and wash it away, and so... he's tugging lin off to the bathroom, and locking everyone else out for a little while.
he's tailing him a little like a puppy, today, just sticking close, and when they get there, he steps in behind lin jingheng and hugs him, wrapping his arms around his waist with no warning or anything, just stepping in and sticking his face in his shoulder and breathing in cigarette smoke and home. ]
... I am sorry. About earlier. I'll still tell you about it, if you want. [ muffled ] Gideon didn't mean it.
You guess!
[ this is mock offended. why would he ever mean it? he's unaware of lin jingheng's thoughts, right now, though he'd have it right on the money - he is tired, and coming into lin's arms at the end of the day is the only balm he could ever ask for.
he practically melts, when he kisses him again. so easy. lu bixing's always been reactive, and this is no different - every kiss is special, even more so than before, makes his entire heart sing, and he swallows the bite of cookie dough and lets it warm him up the same way his own chicken soup's been warming the lost souls of this little hell they're in. ]
You can't just make a decision off of one piece of evidence, though. [ he shifts a little, reaches for the bowl and just straight up plucks a piece of cookie dough out with his fingertips. he's pushing it here, pulling back enough to look up at him through the eyelashes of his good eye, a twinkle of mischief there. ] More data needed.
[ this is mock offended. why would he ever mean it? he's unaware of lin jingheng's thoughts, right now, though he'd have it right on the money - he is tired, and coming into lin's arms at the end of the day is the only balm he could ever ask for.
he practically melts, when he kisses him again. so easy. lu bixing's always been reactive, and this is no different - every kiss is special, even more so than before, makes his entire heart sing, and he swallows the bite of cookie dough and lets it warm him up the same way his own chicken soup's been warming the lost souls of this little hell they're in. ]
You can't just make a decision off of one piece of evidence, though. [ he shifts a little, reaches for the bowl and just straight up plucks a piece of cookie dough out with his fingertips. he's pushing it here, pulling back enough to look up at him through the eyelashes of his good eye, a twinkle of mischief there. ] More data needed.
Edited 2023-03-05 02:48 (UTC)
[ lu bixing knows that if they're going to be alone, he'll go wherever he wants. the bathroom is fine, better than fine. his nerves are on fire and he's prickling all over. if they're here in the bathroom together then it must be serious. ]
She's fine.
[ he doesn't care about pursuing it anymore, but he does shift and turn to look at lu bixing from the side of his gaze expectantly like go ahead and tell me what happened out there. ]
She's fine.
[ he doesn't care about pursuing it anymore, but he does shift and turn to look at lu bixing from the side of his gaze expectantly like go ahead and tell me what happened out there. ]
[ he's so tired. he just slumps a little, pressing his cheek into lin jingheng's shoulder, and inhaling again. ]
Well. I told Gideon to give me five minutes to try and talk to that thing, the hamster, to see if I could get it to come in without them trying to harpoon it and pull it in. She ignored me, harpooned the boat, and it died in the process of trying to get the boat back onto the shore before it sank into the lava.
[ it's a little funny, if only because it reminded him of the trash space station - of stopping lin from shooting down a mob of pissed off space station regiment soldiers with a well placed shield and a prayer. he was able to talk them down before things escalated any further, and that was not the case today.
he really cares a lot about gideon, though, so - seeing her and lin butt heads didn't surprise him, but he still worries, nudging his face into his shoulder a little further. muffled: ] I said I wouldn't say anything, which is why I didn't just say anything to you. They needed to explain themselves, since it was their fault, but I should've just cut it off at the pass and said what happened. It really was irrelevant.
Well. I told Gideon to give me five minutes to try and talk to that thing, the hamster, to see if I could get it to come in without them trying to harpoon it and pull it in. She ignored me, harpooned the boat, and it died in the process of trying to get the boat back onto the shore before it sank into the lava.
[ it's a little funny, if only because it reminded him of the trash space station - of stopping lin from shooting down a mob of pissed off space station regiment soldiers with a well placed shield and a prayer. he was able to talk them down before things escalated any further, and that was not the case today.
he really cares a lot about gideon, though, so - seeing her and lin butt heads didn't surprise him, but he still worries, nudging his face into his shoulder a little further. muffled: ] I said I wouldn't say anything, which is why I didn't just say anything to you. They needed to explain themselves, since it was their fault, but I should've just cut it off at the pass and said what happened. It really was irrelevant.
Wouldn't have had to blink twice at it. The area we checked was close to the beach... would have benefited from knowing.
[ he keeps it short and to the point, not a scolding, but just stating the facts. he doesn't hesitate to gently stroke at lu bixing's hair. he doesn't hesitate with this, staying close, nuzzling into some curls that have fallen. ]
Whatever, it's been done for hours. Lingering over shit exhausts me.
[ he lingers over so much. it's doesn't matter. he stays still with lu bixing pressed to him, until eventually he has to chuckle just a little bit. ]
Didn't really know what I was looking at, it felt like I was dreaming.
[ he tips his head, bonks it gently against lu bixing's. ]
[ he keeps it short and to the point, not a scolding, but just stating the facts. he doesn't hesitate to gently stroke at lu bixing's hair. he doesn't hesitate with this, staying close, nuzzling into some curls that have fallen. ]
Whatever, it's been done for hours. Lingering over shit exhausts me.
[ he lingers over so much. it's doesn't matter. he stays still with lu bixing pressed to him, until eventually he has to chuckle just a little bit. ]
Didn't really know what I was looking at, it felt like I was dreaming.
[ he tips his head, bonks it gently against lu bixing's. ]
...honestly, I thought Itto would crack in a second.
[ so there's that. he agrees with harrow in that he is too stupid to frame anyone for anything.
but oh, that feels so nice. he doesn't mind - tilting his head, almost nuzzling into his fingers to seek out more, into his temple. pet him. please. he's so sad. ] I did too.
... I still feel like I'm dreaming, a little. [ this is a little softer. just like last week, with lavi - this one hurts. another killer that digs into his ribcage, that finds all those soft little pieces that he thought he'd hardened into stone and chips them away. each loss mounts.
... but at least lin is here. he tilts his head, presses his lips gently to the top of his cheekbone when he comes in close. ] It feels like it went by in a flash.
[ lingering over shit is exhausting. lin has the right of it. ] ...Take a shower with me?
[ so there's that. he agrees with harrow in that he is too stupid to frame anyone for anything.
but oh, that feels so nice. he doesn't mind - tilting his head, almost nuzzling into his fingers to seek out more, into his temple. pet him. please. he's so sad. ] I did too.
... I still feel like I'm dreaming, a little. [ this is a little softer. just like last week, with lavi - this one hurts. another killer that digs into his ribcage, that finds all those soft little pieces that he thought he'd hardened into stone and chips them away. each loss mounts.
... but at least lin is here. he tilts his head, presses his lips gently to the top of his cheekbone when he comes in close. ] It feels like it went by in a flash.
[ lingering over shit is exhausting. lin has the right of it. ] ...Take a shower with me?
[ he accepts the kiss, melts into it and lets a smile curl over his lips as hands rest at the center of lu's back, curling fingers against his spine. ]
Mm. Alright.
[ he could refuse and tell him to do it himself, but he doesn't want to. not for a moment. they can collide and each time lin jingheng will savor it, knowing that he's lost it once, that he could lose it again if he isn't careful.
he didn't respond to the line about trust, because no one can tell him about trust here. he plays deaf so easily these days. of course he trusts lu bixing, it's the fact that he hates wasting time and taking up his own capacity for people. he's wound up tight like a spring.
he should have known, it's true.
but he's tired of each blood price paid every week. a little joke runs him ragged. ]
I'll wash your hair.
[ softly, lifting fingers to push a curl away from his ear. ]
Mm. Alright.
[ he could refuse and tell him to do it himself, but he doesn't want to. not for a moment. they can collide and each time lin jingheng will savor it, knowing that he's lost it once, that he could lose it again if he isn't careful.
he didn't respond to the line about trust, because no one can tell him about trust here. he plays deaf so easily these days. of course he trusts lu bixing, it's the fact that he hates wasting time and taking up his own capacity for people. he's wound up tight like a spring.
he should have known, it's true.
but he's tired of each blood price paid every week. a little joke runs him ragged. ]
I'll wash your hair.
[ softly, lifting fingers to push a curl away from his ear. ]
[ this, this is lin jingheng. more than being tired and fussy, more than being cranky or sharp, (though he finds that incredibly attractive) this is lin jingheng. the soft, sweet way he strokes his hair, the way he tucks it behind his ear, the care and warmth he shows just like this, the gentle look in his eyes.
god. he can't help himself - he ducks his head, boyish and charmed, like he has to hide a little from the sheer onslaught of butterflies, and nods.
... he then like starts going for his belt because yeah, of course he does, pressing another kiss to his cheek. let him just undress lin. ]
I'd like that a lot.
god. he can't help himself - he ducks his head, boyish and charmed, like he has to hide a little from the sheer onslaught of butterflies, and nods.
... he then like starts going for his belt because yeah, of course he does, pressing another kiss to his cheek. let him just undress lin. ]
I'd like that a lot.
[ lu bixing hides his face like the sun behind a cloud, and what lin wouldn't give to reach and take his chin again but he's already starting in on his pants. a little huff leaves him as he instead dips to turn his head up and kiss him on the corner of his mouth: don't go don't go don't go.
he will allow undressing to happen as long as he can do the same, pushing for buttons and letting fingers graze along the skin of bixing's shoulders, finding the lines that fit perfectly and slotting them against the faint marks. he brushes nose to nose with him, a tired nudge. ]
Take it easy this time.
[ do. not. savage him like a wild creature. he knows you are having a night. he'll take his wrist and pull it forward when it's unbuckled and unbuttoned him to kiss against the pulse, and then to bite. because he is so embarrassed every strip check (it's your own fault ljh) EVERY STRIP.
as firmly as he says it, it doesn't have roots, it could blow over in a storm called lu bixing in an instant. ]
he will allow undressing to happen as long as he can do the same, pushing for buttons and letting fingers graze along the skin of bixing's shoulders, finding the lines that fit perfectly and slotting them against the faint marks. he brushes nose to nose with him, a tired nudge. ]
Take it easy this time.
[ do. not. savage him like a wild creature. he knows you are having a night. he'll take his wrist and pull it forward when it's unbuckled and unbuttoned him to kiss against the pulse, and then to bite. because he is so embarrassed every strip check (it's your own fault ljh) EVERY STRIP.
as firmly as he says it, it doesn't have roots, it could blow over in a storm called lu bixing in an instant. ]
[ haha i'm in danger ]
I thought you were making cookies.
Don't get distracted.
[ ljh you are a distraction sitting on the counter like the kitchen-equivalent of a passenger princess. lu bixing says data and lin jingheng's stomach loses its bottom and becomes a pit full of uncomfortable fluttering feelings instead (butterflies, weird.)
he eyes the dough with a small huff. science does taste good... ]
I thought you were making cookies.
Don't get distracted.
[ ljh you are a distraction sitting on the counter like the kitchen-equivalent of a passenger princess. lu bixing says data and lin jingheng's stomach loses its bottom and becomes a pit full of uncomfortable fluttering feelings instead (butterflies, weird.)
he eyes the dough with a small huff. science does taste good... ]
[ the kiss gives him butterflies. it always does. it's such a balm after a shitty, terrible saturday once again, and he focuses on helping lin jingheng out of his clothes. dropping the shirt, the coat, the pants to the floor, and then letting himself be undressed without any pretense or complaining. this is way better than strip check.
he rolls his shoulders - the right one's injury now light and nearly closed - and wiggles out of his shirt, then huffs a laugh when lin takes his wrist and kisses it. lin jingheng gets to feel his heart flutter, the way it skips a beat when his mouth presses to his pulse, and lu bixing hunches his shoulders just a little, embarrassed like a scolded puppy who secretly loves being scolded just because he loves the attention. ]
I will, I will... [ listen. it's not been as bad as the first week with the love potions. he had to get that out of his system, but now that it feels less like a dream, it's at least more normal? lin's right, though. it has been a night.
he smiles against lin jingheng's shoulder, presses a kiss to the column of his neck, and starts to walk him backwards towards the actual shower. he trusts lin enough to turn the water on, because he is now very busy, moving his hands to fit against his hips, and stealing a kiss off of his mouth, instead. easy doesn't mean that he can't cage him in against the wall, it doesn't mean that he can't presses kisses down the thin skin of his neck, to the edge of that scar. the marks'll fade by next trial. probably. ]
he rolls his shoulders - the right one's injury now light and nearly closed - and wiggles out of his shirt, then huffs a laugh when lin takes his wrist and kisses it. lin jingheng gets to feel his heart flutter, the way it skips a beat when his mouth presses to his pulse, and lu bixing hunches his shoulders just a little, embarrassed like a scolded puppy who secretly loves being scolded just because he loves the attention. ]
I will, I will... [ listen. it's not been as bad as the first week with the love potions. he had to get that out of his system, but now that it feels less like a dream, it's at least more normal? lin's right, though. it has been a night.
he smiles against lin jingheng's shoulder, presses a kiss to the column of his neck, and starts to walk him backwards towards the actual shower. he trusts lin enough to turn the water on, because he is now very busy, moving his hands to fit against his hips, and stealing a kiss off of his mouth, instead. easy doesn't mean that he can't cage him in against the wall, it doesn't mean that he can't presses kisses down the thin skin of his neck, to the edge of that scar. the marks'll fade by next trial. probably. ]
[ it hasn't been, and maybe he can commend him for not blowing his back out and making everyone gossip about a limp. (foreshadowing into whatever week is affection week?) he feels himself walking backwards, and his perception has him feeling the cool radiating off the tile of the shower before his back presses against it. he reaches for the knob instinctively and pulls the water on, letting it heat up slowly. it's never going to be perfect because of how shitty this place is, but it'll get the job done.
multiple jobs? yeah.
the hands on his hips earn a soft sound, a laugh and a breath of surprise. they can say it isn't fair each and every week, but when it comes down to it, hell probably does care. and that's fine. they know that they're out there someone, the dead, and there's no other choice but to go and get them, right?
resolve births a smile onto his lips and he reaches his hand now to curl fingers around the back of lu bixing's neck, coaxing him. he glides them down to hunched shoulders and anchors in as lu bixing's mouth glides over the lengthy scar along his chest and throat. yes yes lu bixing is so busy, he will adjust the water to the most temperate setting and guide him closer—his fingers trail over the nearly-closed shoulder wound and he lowers his mouth to kiss just against the healed skin, careful to avoid the pain points he knows. ]
Bixing...
[ letting a hand skim up to touch his patch. he tips his head up gently and looks him, unwaveringly in the eye. ]
You don't want this to get wet, do you?
multiple jobs? yeah.
the hands on his hips earn a soft sound, a laugh and a breath of surprise. they can say it isn't fair each and every week, but when it comes down to it, hell probably does care. and that's fine. they know that they're out there someone, the dead, and there's no other choice but to go and get them, right?
resolve births a smile onto his lips and he reaches his hand now to curl fingers around the back of lu bixing's neck, coaxing him. he glides them down to hunched shoulders and anchors in as lu bixing's mouth glides over the lengthy scar along his chest and throat. yes yes lu bixing is so busy, he will adjust the water to the most temperate setting and guide him closer—his fingers trail over the nearly-closed shoulder wound and he lowers his mouth to kiss just against the healed skin, careful to avoid the pain points he knows. ]
Bixing...
[ letting a hand skim up to touch his patch. he tips his head up gently and looks him, unwaveringly in the eye. ]
You don't want this to get wet, do you?
[ STOP HE WON'T probably. maybe. be glad he doesn't have his super strength? or don't
the terrible water feels so good, even if it's not warm. it doesn't need to be, because lin's body heat is all that bixing really needs, all he really cares about. sometimes, he misses the enhanced senses of his biochip if only because he wants to record those little noises, wants to hear those huffs and sighs and laughs in high definition so he can burn them into his memory. they're so real, the kind of thing even his perfect memory, his dreams couldn't recreate. the fingertips that curl over his shoulders give him goosebumps, as he kisses down that scar, pressing one to the hollow of his throat, the safest place, the heartbeat against his mouth that he knows and loves, tangles them together against the surface of the tile. he wants to map him out over and over again, like a dying man desperate for a drink, to commit every piece of his body to his memory lest for a second he loses him again.
he's starting to get maybe a little too much, there - a little too bitey, when he's starting to leave what will bloom into a dark hickey right in tha vulnerable little spot when lin pulls him back. he looks up, interrupted, flushed cheeked and wet and curly hair sticking up, and blinking surprised at him before he realizes what he's actually referring to. oh. right.
he lets out a laugh of his own, soft, and nods. ] ...Okay.
[ and then ducks his head into lin jingheng's hands. his own are busy, still curled around his hips. maybe he'll take it off for him? he peers up at him with his good eye, through the thick of his lashes, almost asking for it, imploring- even though he knows its ugly under there, in lin jingheng's hands, its safe. ]
the terrible water feels so good, even if it's not warm. it doesn't need to be, because lin's body heat is all that bixing really needs, all he really cares about. sometimes, he misses the enhanced senses of his biochip if only because he wants to record those little noises, wants to hear those huffs and sighs and laughs in high definition so he can burn them into his memory. they're so real, the kind of thing even his perfect memory, his dreams couldn't recreate. the fingertips that curl over his shoulders give him goosebumps, as he kisses down that scar, pressing one to the hollow of his throat, the safest place, the heartbeat against his mouth that he knows and loves, tangles them together against the surface of the tile. he wants to map him out over and over again, like a dying man desperate for a drink, to commit every piece of his body to his memory lest for a second he loses him again.
he's starting to get maybe a little too much, there - a little too bitey, when he's starting to leave what will bloom into a dark hickey right in tha vulnerable little spot when lin pulls him back. he looks up, interrupted, flushed cheeked and wet and curly hair sticking up, and blinking surprised at him before he realizes what he's actually referring to. oh. right.
he lets out a laugh of his own, soft, and nods. ] ...Okay.
[ and then ducks his head into lin jingheng's hands. his own are busy, still curled around his hips. maybe he'll take it off for him? he peers up at him with his good eye, through the thick of his lashes, almost asking for it, imploring- even though he knows its ugly under there, in lin jingheng's hands, its safe. ]
[ lin jingheng watches this memory play out like a film at the cinema. were the subject not so dour and literally close to home, this might even constitute a date. instead, his ass hurts and his breath is slowly catching in his lungs as he watches the days and weeks go by, sees the hair curl around lu bixing's ears, watching him tear himself limb from limb.
his fingers curl around the arms of the chair, his eyes wide. there isn't a word for it, because it's both horror and tragedy, it's a man stewing in his grief. he watches him salvage zhanlu, watches him numb himself up to the point of where he has to bite down on his tongue so he doesn't say a word.
until finally the lights slowly rise. he can hear something in the background shifting, starting to switch film, but there's a short amount of time in between.
a cold sweet starts to form along his spine. and as he turns to look at lu bixing, his brows are knit and his breath won't go anywhere, a solid brick in his lungs. he fumbles in what remains of the dark to grab lu bixing's hand before he can even think about trying to escape this place without him.
uttered softly, round like it's on the verge of sadness that doesn't know how to grieve anymore. ]
Bixing.
[ he clutches his fingers, holds fast to his knuckles desperately.
the theory of magnetism that surrounds lu bixing is dangerous, like wildfire, and lin jingheng has witnessed its pull time and time again. lu bixing could see failure and forge himself anew, and finally, lin jingheng whispers: ]
I came as fast as I could.
[ this is not an excuse, he begs no forgiveness. it's the beginning of a story, and he can't tell it alone. but as he waits, he gives lu bixing the floor to speak. ]
I have the time. The means. I can tell you now... [ it makes him sick. ]
his fingers curl around the arms of the chair, his eyes wide. there isn't a word for it, because it's both horror and tragedy, it's a man stewing in his grief. he watches him salvage zhanlu, watches him numb himself up to the point of where he has to bite down on his tongue so he doesn't say a word.
until finally the lights slowly rise. he can hear something in the background shifting, starting to switch film, but there's a short amount of time in between.
a cold sweet starts to form along his spine. and as he turns to look at lu bixing, his brows are knit and his breath won't go anywhere, a solid brick in his lungs. he fumbles in what remains of the dark to grab lu bixing's hand before he can even think about trying to escape this place without him.
uttered softly, round like it's on the verge of sadness that doesn't know how to grieve anymore. ]
Bixing.
[ he clutches his fingers, holds fast to his knuckles desperately.
the theory of magnetism that surrounds lu bixing is dangerous, like wildfire, and lin jingheng has witnessed its pull time and time again. lu bixing could see failure and forge himself anew, and finally, lin jingheng whispers: ]
I came as fast as I could.
[ this is not an excuse, he begs no forgiveness. it's the beginning of a story, and he can't tell it alone. but as he waits, he gives lu bixing the floor to speak. ]
I have the time. The means. I can tell you now... [ it makes him sick. ]
[ hhhaha
well
he's trying not to have a panic attack. let's put that in perspective.
lu bixing's done a really good job trying to put himself back together, here. with the help of lin and the chance to rebuild, he's been, brick by brick, able to claw himself back together. the facade he's so carefully trained and focused on building over the past seventeen years is almost, almost flawless, and the places where he's stumbled, he's had lin there to see. he's never seen the worst of it. just the cracked and broken pieces that remain.
... but this. this is everything, laid out raw.
this is every horrible part of lu bixing over the past seventeen years. this is the public executions and the experimentation, this is the track marks on his arms, the crushing, miserable grief. he sucks in a breath that feels like it's too big for his lungs and jerks backwards, and he'd almost laugh, that lin knows him so well that he grabs his hand.
for him, this is like torture.
he shuts his eyes when he hears his knife scrape through his desk the final time. he's trembling, shaking like a leaf, and the first thing out of his mouth is a choked off - ]
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ isn't it a time to beg forgiveness?
he barely hears what lin jingheng says over the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. over the shame that rips through his system like a wildfire. over anxious, miserable fear. lin knows, now. he knows every part. it doesn't matter that he rebuilt himself, because the ashes are still there. he wants out of this hole. he wants - he wants - ]
well
he's trying not to have a panic attack. let's put that in perspective.
lu bixing's done a really good job trying to put himself back together, here. with the help of lin and the chance to rebuild, he's been, brick by brick, able to claw himself back together. the facade he's so carefully trained and focused on building over the past seventeen years is almost, almost flawless, and the places where he's stumbled, he's had lin there to see. he's never seen the worst of it. just the cracked and broken pieces that remain.
... but this. this is everything, laid out raw.
this is every horrible part of lu bixing over the past seventeen years. this is the public executions and the experimentation, this is the track marks on his arms, the crushing, miserable grief. he sucks in a breath that feels like it's too big for his lungs and jerks backwards, and he'd almost laugh, that lin knows him so well that he grabs his hand.
for him, this is like torture.
he shuts his eyes when he hears his knife scrape through his desk the final time. he's trembling, shaking like a leaf, and the first thing out of his mouth is a choked off - ]
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ isn't it a time to beg forgiveness?
he barely hears what lin jingheng says over the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. over the shame that rips through his system like a wildfire. over anxious, miserable fear. lin knows, now. he knows every part. it doesn't matter that he rebuilt himself, because the ashes are still there. he wants out of this hole. he wants - he wants - ]
Edited 2023-03-06 00:10 (UTC)
[ he can tell that his words are wasted, and he instead shifts some more, moves so that he can reach over and press his palms against lu bixing's ears. there's no uncertainty to it, just an instinctive moment to grab his head and turn him to look him in the eye. don't look away, don't act like you've done shameful things.
he won't scold him about weakness, won't linger over the days spent pouring over his hair... he won't... he doesn't... instead, he pushes a thumb over his lips that are babbling about being sorry. ]
Shh.
[ i don't want them, there's nothing to apologize for. but he doesn't say it, just makes sure that they've been brought to the same page of half of the story. ]
I'm here. [ the lights dim. we're in hell. ] I'm... here.
[ a film flickers onto the screen. lin jingheng doesn't move until lu bixing does, frozen in the face of his own anxiety. ]
he won't scold him about weakness, won't linger over the days spent pouring over his hair... he won't... he doesn't... instead, he pushes a thumb over his lips that are babbling about being sorry. ]
Shh.
[ i don't want them, there's nothing to apologize for. but he doesn't say it, just makes sure that they've been brought to the same page of half of the story. ]
I'm here. [ the lights dim. we're in hell. ] I'm... here.
[ a film flickers onto the screen. lin jingheng doesn't move until lu bixing does, frozen in the face of his own anxiety. ]
[ this has the desired effect, because it shuts lu bixing the fuck up. he lets out a hiccup of a noise that might be a sob, a lump in his throat so thick he's not sure he can talk around it, grabbing lin's wrist and holding on for dear life. the i'm here is like a drill, burrowing into his subconsciousness, and he clings on, holding tight.
- and of course, that's when the screen starts.
that's - lin jingshu, and doctor hardin, and. lin, that's lin, looking thinner than he did when he came back from fighting ares von. lu bixing is too smart not to put together the pieces, that this is one of the only pieces of lin jingheng's life that he doesn't know, now. it's the seventeen years they were apart. and lin is -
when jingshu almost injects him, he stops breathing.
and then his lin, his beautiful, his brilliant lin, finds that strand of consciousness and he lies, he lies to his sister, he manages to survive another day so effectively and so brilliantly that lu bixing's knees give out in sheer relief. he's clinging to him before he even realizes it, before the film totally stops, grabbing onto his shirt and his wrist for dear fucking life and taking in a huge, shaky gulp of air as he just forgets entirely about his own shame and fear.
it's like the first week all over again, as he grabs onto lin jingheng and pulls him into himself and holds onto him like he can remind himself he's real. he's crying before he even realizes it, thick, fat tears dripping down his cheeks as he turns his head and shoves it into lin jingheng's shoulder and just tries to force himself to calm down. he's alive. he's alive. he's alive, and he's safe, and he was a prisoner, for seventeen years and he had no idea and lu bixing was so busy fucking wallowing he never found him.
he buries his face in his shoulder and just. clings. that's all he can do, just clings, and reminds himself that lin jingheng is alive. ]
Lin. [ he says, finally, quietly, almost desperately. it's the only syllable his mouth can say. ]
- and of course, that's when the screen starts.
that's - lin jingshu, and doctor hardin, and. lin, that's lin, looking thinner than he did when he came back from fighting ares von. lu bixing is too smart not to put together the pieces, that this is one of the only pieces of lin jingheng's life that he doesn't know, now. it's the seventeen years they were apart. and lin is -
when jingshu almost injects him, he stops breathing.
and then his lin, his beautiful, his brilliant lin, finds that strand of consciousness and he lies, he lies to his sister, he manages to survive another day so effectively and so brilliantly that lu bixing's knees give out in sheer relief. he's clinging to him before he even realizes it, before the film totally stops, grabbing onto his shirt and his wrist for dear fucking life and taking in a huge, shaky gulp of air as he just forgets entirely about his own shame and fear.
it's like the first week all over again, as he grabs onto lin jingheng and pulls him into himself and holds onto him like he can remind himself he's real. he's crying before he even realizes it, thick, fat tears dripping down his cheeks as he turns his head and shoves it into lin jingheng's shoulder and just tries to force himself to calm down. he's alive. he's alive. he's alive, and he's safe, and he was a prisoner, for seventeen years and he had no idea and lu bixing was so busy fucking wallowing he never found him.
he buries his face in his shoulder and just. clings. that's all he can do, just clings, and reminds himself that lin jingheng is alive. ]
Lin. [ he says, finally, quietly, almost desperately. it's the only syllable his mouth can say. ]
[ she'd made it impossible, and for all of lu bixing's intelligence, he knew he would need to pull himself out of the proverbial cement shoes himself. lin jingheng has never learned how to save himself for someone else, but he manages it, he claws at his consciousness until his fingers bleed, until the thread dyes read and blossoms past the drugs.
he stops dissociating. maybe. a little bit. turning to lu bixing slightly in how they're so aggressively cocooned against one another. lin falls forward when he's grabbed, legs falling over the arm of the theatre seat. still, even as he's grabbed, feels the heat of lu bixing's tears falling onto his shoulder—he allows it, leans into it, and digs fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, scratching slowly. he's here, he's here.
lin jingheng leans into him fully, careful of his bad shoulder, clutching him close as zhanlu suddenly whispers a soft lullaby between the both of them, small and lilting like a finger under the chin. he holds onto him tighter. muffled, again, with feeling this time: ]
I'm sorry.
[ guilt floods him, for not explaining sooner, but how do you even explain to begin with? what do you even fucking say? it's so overwhelming he's been circling the drain between that and the moment on the ship where he'd been shot—
not him, but him. it shakes the pieces of his soul again, fragments. ]
The words don't come easy.
[ he knows him. ]
he stops dissociating. maybe. a little bit. turning to lu bixing slightly in how they're so aggressively cocooned against one another. lin falls forward when he's grabbed, legs falling over the arm of the theatre seat. still, even as he's grabbed, feels the heat of lu bixing's tears falling onto his shoulder—he allows it, leans into it, and digs fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, scratching slowly. he's here, he's here.
lin jingheng leans into him fully, careful of his bad shoulder, clutching him close as zhanlu suddenly whispers a soft lullaby between the both of them, small and lilting like a finger under the chin. he holds onto him tighter. muffled, again, with feeling this time: ]
I'm sorry.
[ guilt floods him, for not explaining sooner, but how do you even explain to begin with? what do you even fucking say? it's so overwhelming he's been circling the drain between that and the moment on the ship where he'd been shot—
not him, but him. it shakes the pieces of his soul again, fragments. ]
The words don't come easy.
[ he knows him. ]
[ he rolls his eyes just a bit this time, heel hitting the counter just once as he pushes back against the wall and gives lu bixing room to pursue. glancing to the ball, he decides that there is no harm in playing along (this time).
no one else is here, so he closes his eyes, a very quiet bid of trust. ]
Ah...
no one else is here, so he closes his eyes, a very quiet bid of trust. ]
Ah...
[ alive. he's alive. he's alive. lu bixing has been repeating this mantra to himself every single day since he's gotten here, and he's doing it right now, too. he's solid. he's real. he's right here, under lu bixing's nose, in his fingers, under his body. he's grounding himself to it with every technique that his brilliant brain can manage, before he disassociates off of this plane of existence. he lets the nails at the back of his neck, the sound of zhanlu singing.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, burying his face in his shoulder even harder. he's soaking lin's shoulder now, his own shoulders trembling, as he breathes in. cigarette smoke and aftershave. whiskey and lin jingheng. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. (he almost lost him again, he'd been alive and he was miserable and trapped and he almost died and lin jingshu tried to keep him like a flower in a glass dome and lu bixing feels this irrationally angry twist of hatred that's so unlike him that it knocks him almost breathless again and he shivers, forces it back) ]
It's -
[ soft. it's not fine. it's not at all. he can't say that. ]
Two... two thousand times, you said. [ is what lu bixing manages, shakily, curling his fingers white knuckled into the fabric of lin's coat. ] I should have - We could have found you.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, burying his face in his shoulder even harder. he's soaking lin's shoulder now, his own shoulders trembling, as he breathes in. cigarette smoke and aftershave. whiskey and lin jingheng. breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. (he almost lost him again, he'd been alive and he was miserable and trapped and he almost died and lin jingshu tried to keep him like a flower in a glass dome and lu bixing feels this irrationally angry twist of hatred that's so unlike him that it knocks him almost breathless again and he shivers, forces it back) ]
It's -
[ soft. it's not fine. it's not at all. he can't say that. ]
Two... two thousand times, you said. [ is what lu bixing manages, shakily, curling his fingers white knuckled into the fabric of lin's coat. ] I should have - We could have found you.
[ oh he will take it off of him if he's allowed, making sure to linger against his hair. he darts in to give him one last kiss before he ducks down, desperate and last minute, demanding so their noses crush together at an imperfect angle before pulling away and licking his lips a little. he can feel the way that lu bixing's fingertips correspond with the bruises on his lower back and hips, just the barest pin pricks of sensation again.
he huffs and doesn't hesitate, pulls the eyepatch off carefully before it can get too wet and stowing it safely on a small ledge. one of his hands moves up to protect it from any water, and then very gently pulls away to kiss just along the brow, and again just beneath it. ]
Much better.
[ gently. there is lu bixing. he's missing an eye, but like a beloved stuffed animal, he's still very much the same. he pushes lu bixing's hair back with a hand now and his lips curl into a warm smile, the water catching over his own hair and cascading down over his shoulders. his bullet wounds are closed at the very least, and lin jingheng has always dealt with pain well, so he moves without hindrance, a finger drawing down to catch beneath his chin. ]
Turn around... alright?
he huffs and doesn't hesitate, pulls the eyepatch off carefully before it can get too wet and stowing it safely on a small ledge. one of his hands moves up to protect it from any water, and then very gently pulls away to kiss just along the brow, and again just beneath it. ]
Much better.
[ gently. there is lu bixing. he's missing an eye, but like a beloved stuffed animal, he's still very much the same. he pushes lu bixing's hair back with a hand now and his lips curl into a warm smile, the water catching over his own hair and cascading down over his shoulders. his bullet wounds are closed at the very least, and lin jingheng has always dealt with pain well, so he moves without hindrance, a finger drawing down to catch beneath his chin. ]
Turn around... alright?
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