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[ it is struggling, really struggling, fighting the good fight to make its way out of his skull. tears are not something that lin jingheng has found himself moved to, not in so long, and not so damn willfully—betrayed by his own body.
he hears the sing-songing of the voice, and part of him withers just a little. ]
Mm.
[ if he opens his mouth he'll crack. he moves in closer anyways, a tangle of limbs. so he distracts himself, catching one of lu bixing's hands and pushing his face into his palm, holding onto the memory of each of his fingertips, the warmth of his hand.
(god he is really fighting this, but...)
a wet track manages to escape down the line of one of lu bixing's fingers, and can easily be felt. ]
he hears the sing-songing of the voice, and part of him withers just a little. ]
Mm.
[ if he opens his mouth he'll crack. he moves in closer anyways, a tangle of limbs. so he distracts himself, catching one of lu bixing's hands and pushing his face into his palm, holding onto the memory of each of his fingertips, the warmth of his hand.
(god he is really fighting this, but...)
a wet track manages to escape down the line of one of lu bixing's fingers, and can easily be felt. ]
[ lu bixing, who has been overwhelmed with emotions literally every minute that he has been in hell, goes through about ten of them in the span of five minutes. there's a one second span of oh, cute, and then horror and then like, shock, and then like hysterical worry and joy all at once?? it's a lot!!!!
he makes a noise, wounded, and immediately ducks in to wipe it away, fussy and worried, brushing his thumb over his cheek, cupping his face in both of his hands instead to do it under his eye too, just in case? ]
Nooo, nonono, it's okay, it's okay, oh, Lin - are you okay? Did I break you? I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry -
[ AAAAA A A A A AAAAA ]
he makes a noise, wounded, and immediately ducks in to wipe it away, fussy and worried, brushing his thumb over his cheek, cupping his face in both of his hands instead to do it under his eye too, just in case? ]
Nooo, nonono, it's okay, it's okay, oh, Lin - are you okay? Did I break you? I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry -
[ AAAAA A A A A AAAAA ]
[ it's only one tear! just one he's holding onto the rest! they don't deserve to abandon him in betrayal! there will be no march. instead, he closes his eyes as thumbs push there, where his face feels warm, feverish because the skin to skin feeds their warmth to one another and hell is comfortably balmy.
he shakes his head. ]
Lu...
[ eventually making eye contact with him, eventually letting another slide, and his eyebrow draws downwards. he thinks about it, living in the cage of his body under glass, and later, contemplating the means to his escape, every day eyes turned upwards. so he turns his eyes upwards now, and the feeling overwhelms him. what an empty sky he'd been trapped beneath.
what a vivid galaxy set before him here and now.
he lowers his eyes, but allows his face to be held all the same. ]
Something in my eye... I'm fine, I...
[ another. this is a curse. what's opening up? ]
he shakes his head. ]
Lu...
[ eventually making eye contact with him, eventually letting another slide, and his eyebrow draws downwards. he thinks about it, living in the cage of his body under glass, and later, contemplating the means to his escape, every day eyes turned upwards. so he turns his eyes upwards now, and the feeling overwhelms him. what an empty sky he'd been trapped beneath.
what a vivid galaxy set before him here and now.
he lowers his eyes, but allows his face to be held all the same. ]
Something in my eye... I'm fine, I...
[ another. this is a curse. what's opening up? ]
[ NNNOOO his COMMANDER
he's immediately fussy as he wipes away those tears, when a second drops, butting his head a little into lin jingheng's, tilting his head to kiss his forehead, his nose, to do anything and everything to try and stop it from happening or soothe him? his BABY ]
You're scaring me. [ he says, but he doesn't quite mean it, laughing a little, and - honestly, tears up too just at the sight, out of empathy for the person he loves most, in the entire world, of the person he has always loved, of the person he will always love, biting his own lip to keep himself from losing it and making things worth. ]
It's okay. You can cry, if you want. Our secret. [ the words are very quiet, in this little space between them. you're safe with me. maybe - if he's forgotten everything, if he's relearning how to love, then maybe just being here in this moment of vulnerability could be enough. ] I won't tell.
he's immediately fussy as he wipes away those tears, when a second drops, butting his head a little into lin jingheng's, tilting his head to kiss his forehead, his nose, to do anything and everything to try and stop it from happening or soothe him? his BABY ]
You're scaring me. [ he says, but he doesn't quite mean it, laughing a little, and - honestly, tears up too just at the sight, out of empathy for the person he loves most, in the entire world, of the person he has always loved, of the person he will always love, biting his own lip to keep himself from losing it and making things worth. ]
It's okay. You can cry, if you want. Our secret. [ the words are very quiet, in this little space between them. you're safe with me. maybe - if he's forgotten everything, if he's relearning how to love, then maybe just being here in this moment of vulnerability could be enough. ] I won't tell.
[ lin jingheng's laugh is like bells. it's so rare, and to hear it here in this tiny, soft space between them is some kind of absolution - he wants to cry, wants to laugh too, but most of all feels this immense sense of frustration, because - because he's not right. he does talk so much. he talks too much, and none of it works.
he lets him press close, hiccups out a soft little noise as he lifts his arms, away from his shirt, up and around his shoulders. clinging, like a lost, terrified child, as he tries to let it all bubble free. he's missed it, he says. ]
But it's not - you, that person you miss, he's gone, I don't know how to be him anymore.
[ there's desperation, there. he's done so many things in the seventeen years he's been gone - bad things, cruel things, necessary things. he's done things to himself beyond that, locked himself into a year of isolation and misery and threw himself into saving the eighth galaxy, building it up brick by brick. he's torn up the shreds of the optimistic young man he used to be, and he's terrified by the fact htat lin jingheng will see that and set him aside. what if he stopped? what if, in those sixteen years, what if he loved someone else? what if he
his face crumples. it's the aftereffect of the alcohol that made him bold enough for this in the first place, and it affects him here too, as he claws at lin jingheng's back and clings to him and hiccups, brown eyes welling up with tears and starlight all the same. doesn't he get it? doesn't he realize? ] Lin, I don't - I can't...
[ he's babbling, really, now. teary eyed and desperate, trying to do the right thing and say the right thing, and never quite making his mark. ]
he lets him press close, hiccups out a soft little noise as he lifts his arms, away from his shirt, up and around his shoulders. clinging, like a lost, terrified child, as he tries to let it all bubble free. he's missed it, he says. ]
But it's not - you, that person you miss, he's gone, I don't know how to be him anymore.
[ there's desperation, there. he's done so many things in the seventeen years he's been gone - bad things, cruel things, necessary things. he's done things to himself beyond that, locked himself into a year of isolation and misery and threw himself into saving the eighth galaxy, building it up brick by brick. he's torn up the shreds of the optimistic young man he used to be, and he's terrified by the fact htat lin jingheng will see that and set him aside. what if he stopped? what if, in those sixteen years, what if he loved someone else? what if he
his face crumples. it's the aftereffect of the alcohol that made him bold enough for this in the first place, and it affects him here too, as he claws at lin jingheng's back and clings to him and hiccups, brown eyes welling up with tears and starlight all the same. doesn't he get it? doesn't he realize? ] Lin, I don't - I can't...
[ he's babbling, really, now. teary eyed and desperate, trying to do the right thing and say the right thing, and never quite making his mark. ]
[ don't you want to know? don't you want to ask? ask me. go on. ask me if i loved anyone else in those sixteen years and you will know that there was no one else as bright as you.
the hiccup stirs him from his listening, the fingers clawing down his back. this is boldness and alcohol and mourning for the things that they have had to do. voting feels damning and cheap. lin jingheng knows that it's just adding to the pile of what has no doubt been on lu bixing's plate for several years. ]
I have missed you.
[ four simple words as he lets his lips carefully frame where a tear threatens to escape the corner of lu bixing's eye. ]
Don't you get it. You.
[ you don't have to be the same. years will erode away at a person like tides do to cliff faces. you will never be the same as you once were. lin jingheng watches the stars projected into lu bixing's eyes, his voice dying in his throat as he watches him try to define what lin surely fell in love with those years ago.
but he is still in love now. ]
Carved from the weight of a galaxy... your shoulders are so heavy now, Lu Bixing. You think I don't see it? [ he presses their foreheads painfully together. ] You think I am not willingly walking into this with you? Still?
[ softer, the words unearthed from years of staring upwards in his silence, wishing, wanting, waiting: ] I'm holding you like this... and you think that I would sooner discard such a bright star...
the hiccup stirs him from his listening, the fingers clawing down his back. this is boldness and alcohol and mourning for the things that they have had to do. voting feels damning and cheap. lin jingheng knows that it's just adding to the pile of what has no doubt been on lu bixing's plate for several years. ]
I have missed you.
[ four simple words as he lets his lips carefully frame where a tear threatens to escape the corner of lu bixing's eye. ]
Don't you get it. You.
[ you don't have to be the same. years will erode away at a person like tides do to cliff faces. you will never be the same as you once were. lin jingheng watches the stars projected into lu bixing's eyes, his voice dying in his throat as he watches him try to define what lin surely fell in love with those years ago.
but he is still in love now. ]
Carved from the weight of a galaxy... your shoulders are so heavy now, Lu Bixing. You think I don't see it? [ he presses their foreheads painfully together. ] You think I am not willingly walking into this with you? Still?
[ softer, the words unearthed from years of staring upwards in his silence, wishing, wanting, waiting: ] I'm holding you like this... and you think that I would sooner discard such a bright star...
[ you remember how mad lu bixing was the last time you got brutally injured and almost died and tried to walk it off
that's about how mad he is right now. once everyone else is gone and lin's been bandaged and treated, lu bixing herds him off to the shower that is now cleaned and locks the door. he points at the shower. ]
Strip, please. [ in like, the least sexy way possible. ] I know you won't ask for help even if you need it.
[ (but really, this is how he copes. he's learned how to cope, now. he's learned to look at his own emotions like a critical observer, and set them aside. that's what he's had to do.) ]
that's about how mad he is right now. once everyone else is gone and lin's been bandaged and treated, lu bixing herds him off to the shower that is now cleaned and locks the door. he points at the shower. ]
Strip, please. [ in like, the least sexy way possible. ] I know you won't ask for help even if you need it.
[ (but really, this is how he copes. he's learned how to cope, now. he's learned to look at his own emotions like a critical observer, and set them aside. that's what he's had to do.) ]
[ yeah he remembers, he remembers real good. how could he forget?
he allows himself to be herded to the shower, though the furrow in his brow hasn't left since he stepped off the ferry. as lu bixing decides to??? start ordering him around???? he lifts his head and basically holds his stupid shirt closed and stares at him for a long moment. ]
And your burns? What about those?
[ mrgh. emotions. he lifts a hand and starts unbuttoning his shirt (slowly), shrugging it off his good shoulder and then carefully starting to extricate it from his bandaged shoulder. it is about as slow as a wounded person gets, but lu bixing is right... he won't ask for help even if he needs it. ]
he allows himself to be herded to the shower, though the furrow in his brow hasn't left since he stepped off the ferry. as lu bixing decides to??? start ordering him around???? he lifts his head and basically holds his stupid shirt closed and stares at him for a long moment. ]
And your burns? What about those?
[ mrgh. emotions. he lifts a hand and starts unbuttoning his shirt (slowly), shrugging it off his good shoulder and then carefully starting to extricate it from his bandaged shoulder. it is about as slow as a wounded person gets, but lu bixing is right... he won't ask for help even if he needs it. ]
Edited 2023-02-16 23:19 (UTC)
[ this is better. he lets him stare at him all he likes, waiting impatiently to see if lin jingheng is actually going to do what he's told or not. ]
It's fine. [ because it is - just a surface burn, saved from any serious damage by his coat, but even still, he turns his arm to let lin jingheng see that it's nicely bandaged up, and steps past him to turn on the water. ] I'm not the person with two bullets in me -
[ ugh. there he goes, right as he turns around - so, so slow. it hurts lu bixing to watch him, makes his heart ache. makes him see - makes him see it, again, when he closes his eyes. the bullet. the blood.
he shakes it off and comes over, batting away lin jingheng's hands and starting to remove his shirt for him. lu bixing comes close, in his space, and starts working at the buttons, his own brow furrowed, trying not to bite his lip. ] You are so - I worried, so much, I thought, seventeen years would change you, and you are exactly the same.
[ there's a note of frustration in his voice, but it doesn't have any heat. ] I can't - I could hate you to death, the way you do this.
[ but he couldn't, of course. not for a second. ]
It's fine. [ because it is - just a surface burn, saved from any serious damage by his coat, but even still, he turns his arm to let lin jingheng see that it's nicely bandaged up, and steps past him to turn on the water. ] I'm not the person with two bullets in me -
[ ugh. there he goes, right as he turns around - so, so slow. it hurts lu bixing to watch him, makes his heart ache. makes him see - makes him see it, again, when he closes his eyes. the bullet. the blood.
he shakes it off and comes over, batting away lin jingheng's hands and starting to remove his shirt for him. lu bixing comes close, in his space, and starts working at the buttons, his own brow furrowed, trying not to bite his lip. ] You are so - I worried, so much, I thought, seventeen years would change you, and you are exactly the same.
[ there's a note of frustration in his voice, but it doesn't have any heat. ] I can't - I could hate you to death, the way you do this.
[ but he couldn't, of course. not for a second. ]
The bullets aren't in me.
[ exit wounds. remember? all the same, he doesn't fight it, not when lu bixing moves towards him and begins to fuss his hands away. he lets his fingers fall to rest gently on lu bixing's forearm, to follow the slow motion of him as he removes each button.
eventually, they move, a hand sliding up to cup lu bixing's cheek gently. ]
I'm sorry, Bixing.
[ since when does jingheng apologize? fucking never. but lu bixing can make him kneel in a confessional in less than two seconds, saying penances because he cares. it's frightening. shutting his eyes. he's trying to remember the moment, the impact, but he was both there... and he wasn't. he felt further outside of his body than he'd ever been, than his time spent nearly brain dead, focusing on each dropped letter or apostrophe, cobbling together a lie to survive.
he blinks slowly and then just presses lips to his forehead. very softly. right there on the forehead. ]
You can hate me... [ fear.jpg ] I could understand.
[ exit wounds. remember? all the same, he doesn't fight it, not when lu bixing moves towards him and begins to fuss his hands away. he lets his fingers fall to rest gently on lu bixing's forearm, to follow the slow motion of him as he removes each button.
eventually, they move, a hand sliding up to cup lu bixing's cheek gently. ]
I'm sorry, Bixing.
[ since when does jingheng apologize? fucking never. but lu bixing can make him kneel in a confessional in less than two seconds, saying penances because he cares. it's frightening. shutting his eyes. he's trying to remember the moment, the impact, but he was both there... and he wasn't. he felt further outside of his body than he'd ever been, than his time spent nearly brain dead, focusing on each dropped letter or apostrophe, cobbling together a lie to survive.
he blinks slowly and then just presses lips to his forehead. very softly. right there on the forehead. ]
You can hate me... [ fear.jpg ] I could understand.
[ he gives him such a fucking LOOK when he says that about the BULLETS you are the WORST PERSON
but it's just a look, and, honestly, any of that frustration and anger comes out of him like a deflating balloon. his hands are trembling when he's undoing the buttons - it's, once again, probably good that he doesn't have his biochip, or else they'd be halfway across the room. as he looks up at lin jingheng properly, brows knitted together, cheek pressed into his hand, just trying to bore his emotions into him without his words. don't you know how terrifying it is to me, to see you hurt?
the forehead kiss is what finally gets him - it makes a lump rise in his throat, and lu bixing forces himself to swallow it, dropping his head to make it a little easier. ]
I don't.
[ the answer is confident, if a little wet, followed with a quiet - ] I could never.
[ even if lin is the most frustrating person on the planet. he just watched him die, again. he saw it this time, saw the life leave his eyes. even if it was a copy. he didn't even have enough time to process the other one, but now, it's practically on repeat in the back of his head.
lu bixing takes a deep breath, going to keep his hands out of the way and get lin out of the rest of his clothes. ] I love you. That's why. Go get in the shower.
but it's just a look, and, honestly, any of that frustration and anger comes out of him like a deflating balloon. his hands are trembling when he's undoing the buttons - it's, once again, probably good that he doesn't have his biochip, or else they'd be halfway across the room. as he looks up at lin jingheng properly, brows knitted together, cheek pressed into his hand, just trying to bore his emotions into him without his words. don't you know how terrifying it is to me, to see you hurt?
the forehead kiss is what finally gets him - it makes a lump rise in his throat, and lu bixing forces himself to swallow it, dropping his head to make it a little easier. ]
I don't.
[ the answer is confident, if a little wet, followed with a quiet - ] I could never.
[ even if lin is the most frustrating person on the planet. he just watched him die, again. he saw it this time, saw the life leave his eyes. even if it was a copy. he didn't even have enough time to process the other one, but now, it's practically on repeat in the back of his head.
lu bixing takes a deep breath, going to keep his hands out of the way and get lin out of the rest of his clothes. ] I love you. That's why. Go get in the shower.
[ waking up in the ballpit to the dulcet tones of eto is dead sure is a great way to wake up, right?
lu bixing is covering his tracks and lin jingheng knows it, he knows that he's pushing away every instinct to mourn and instead is saving face with his head held high. lin jingheng is no fool, he knows what years do to a man, but he will never forgive himself for this, for letting lu bixing become this and letting the galaxy carve him out in this way. everyone must grow up, it's true, but must they grow up like this?
he leads lu bixing out of the bar after their goodbyes, taking him by the shoulder and steering him quietly to whichever one of their rooms is unoccupied. once there, it's easy to shut the door and pivot lu bixing so that they are facing one another, his hands resting on his shoulders until one lifts to gently tip lu's chin, a thumb pressed to the center. ]
Don't put on a show for me like you did the others.
[ his expression is hard. tell me how you REALLY feel, bitch. ]
lu bixing is covering his tracks and lin jingheng knows it, he knows that he's pushing away every instinct to mourn and instead is saving face with his head held high. lin jingheng is no fool, he knows what years do to a man, but he will never forgive himself for this, for letting lu bixing become this and letting the galaxy carve him out in this way. everyone must grow up, it's true, but must they grow up like this?
he leads lu bixing out of the bar after their goodbyes, taking him by the shoulder and steering him quietly to whichever one of their rooms is unoccupied. once there, it's easy to shut the door and pivot lu bixing so that they are facing one another, his hands resting on his shoulders until one lifts to gently tip lu's chin, a thumb pressed to the center. ]
Don't put on a show for me like you did the others.
[ his expression is hard. tell me how you REALLY feel, bitch. ]
[ lmao!!! lmao.
the others probably didn't notice it, but of course, lin jingheng would. of course, lin jingheng would see the way that lu bixing's eyes widened when he read the note, and then the way he just - shut down. he's shut down, since, the light in his eyes almost vanished. the way he reached out and sent text messages to confirm with others that they were alright - four, persephone, lavi, kon, hana, the people he's become close to, the careful response of someone who has been through this, before. how he started to make a list of places to investigate on his phone. how he started to sort through potential gun owners - ryo, hana. lin with his harpoon, but it would've left a different mark and he doesn't even consider it. the simple matters of evidence. the who. the what. the why.
he's silent the entire time lin jingheng starts to manhandle him. he doesn't stumble or fight him off just allows it to happen, on complete and total autopilot. he doesn't allow himself to feel for a second. he can't. not again.
(not again. not captain turan's voice. we lost contact with Zhanlu... We lost contact with Monoeye Hawk.)
not again.
it's only when his chin is grabbed that he finally seems to snap out of wherever his mind was. lu bixing blinks, unfocused, and turns his gaze on lin. (lin, who is alive, who he just watched die this week, which he sees every time he closes his eyes.) ]
What?
[ is what he says, at first, truly - like he's coming back online. ] I'm not...
[ it's a useless protest, probably, but he has to hold onto the threads of his composure or they'll crack. ]
the others probably didn't notice it, but of course, lin jingheng would. of course, lin jingheng would see the way that lu bixing's eyes widened when he read the note, and then the way he just - shut down. he's shut down, since, the light in his eyes almost vanished. the way he reached out and sent text messages to confirm with others that they were alright - four, persephone, lavi, kon, hana, the people he's become close to, the careful response of someone who has been through this, before. how he started to make a list of places to investigate on his phone. how he started to sort through potential gun owners - ryo, hana. lin with his harpoon, but it would've left a different mark and he doesn't even consider it. the simple matters of evidence. the who. the what. the why.
he's silent the entire time lin jingheng starts to manhandle him. he doesn't stumble or fight him off just allows it to happen, on complete and total autopilot. he doesn't allow himself to feel for a second. he can't. not again.
(not again. not captain turan's voice. we lost contact with Zhanlu... We lost contact with Monoeye Hawk.)
not again.
it's only when his chin is grabbed that he finally seems to snap out of wherever his mind was. lu bixing blinks, unfocused, and turns his gaze on lin. (lin, who is alive, who he just watched die this week, which he sees every time he closes his eyes.) ]
What?
[ is what he says, at first, truly - like he's coming back online. ] I'm not...
[ it's a useless protest, probably, but he has to hold onto the threads of his composure or they'll crack. ]
[ not again.
not again.
lu bixing has seen loss, lin jinigheng can see it in his eyes, hears it in his voice. he frowns his brow furrowed a moment. he tries to shunt the sternness from his expression, but it's difficult. jingheng has made himself a man of stone, a weapon when needed.
he does not to be any of those right now. that is not what lu bixing wants of him. ]
You and Eto Yoshimura.
[ the hand on his chin shifts, moves so that he can once again, hold this heavy head on shoulders that have no doubt had to hold up a galaxy in his departure. ]
I know.
not again.
lu bixing has seen loss, lin jinigheng can see it in his eyes, hears it in his voice. he frowns his brow furrowed a moment. he tries to shunt the sternness from his expression, but it's difficult. jingheng has made himself a man of stone, a weapon when needed.
he does not to be any of those right now. that is not what lu bixing wants of him. ]
You and Eto Yoshimura.
[ the hand on his chin shifts, moves so that he can once again, hold this heavy head on shoulders that have no doubt had to hold up a galaxy in his departure. ]
I know.
[ really, the sternness is sort of familiar, if only because it makes him feel - well, seen. it's lin, being lin. it's a reminder that he's still here, that the visions of their little trip together are just nightmares in the way he's had nightmares about lin jingheng dying almost daily for the past seventeen years. it's a reminder that he's solid, when he reaches out to touch him, that lin jingheng's not just a hologram he laid beside to try and push away the pain. it's a little grounding.
... it's grounding, also, because he knows that lin won't let him squirm away. he wants to. you can see it in his face, desperately searching for an out. ]
I -
[ of course he does. lu bixing was incredibly fond of eto. found her curious and interesting, loved to pick her brain about books and knowledge and philosophy, about revolution and want. he doesn't really have that many friends, anymore. not in hell, and not even before, his relationship with turan fractured to pieces. and eto... eto was his friend.
his lower lip wobbles, the emotional effect of the week taking its toll, and he sucks it in with a breath. ]
...I just want to solve it. [ he says, quietly, but lin jingheng will know - that's his coping mechanism, to throw himself into it. to pretend it's fine. it's what he's done all along. it's that or something worse. he can't feel sad. he can't let himself. not again.
still, he presses a little into his hands - heavy. ]
... it's grounding, also, because he knows that lin won't let him squirm away. he wants to. you can see it in his face, desperately searching for an out. ]
I -
[ of course he does. lu bixing was incredibly fond of eto. found her curious and interesting, loved to pick her brain about books and knowledge and philosophy, about revolution and want. he doesn't really have that many friends, anymore. not in hell, and not even before, his relationship with turan fractured to pieces. and eto... eto was his friend.
his lower lip wobbles, the emotional effect of the week taking its toll, and he sucks it in with a breath. ]
...I just want to solve it. [ he says, quietly, but lin jingheng will know - that's his coping mechanism, to throw himself into it. to pretend it's fine. it's what he's done all along. it's that or something worse. he can't feel sad. he can't let himself. not again.
still, he presses a little into his hands - heavy. ]
We will solve it.
[ what else can he say? that they're do their best? no. they will find out precisely who killed eto yoshimura. lin jingheng refuses to let that be a mystery that seeps into the depths of hell, he refuses to let her go fading away into the dark night when he wanted to learn so much more from her.
he sees the lip wobble, it's hard to miss because lu bixing has always had such an expressive face. to see him so steady-looking as the announcement came over their phones, the only thing being the tell-tale blink of a reaction that had flashed over lu bixing's eyes.
he finds lu bixing's hand and takes it in his own, holding it in his fingers, stroking the top with his thumb. ]
And if I find it's another joke... [ i will rip them in two :v ]
Bixing...
[ what else can he say? that they're do their best? no. they will find out precisely who killed eto yoshimura. lin jingheng refuses to let that be a mystery that seeps into the depths of hell, he refuses to let her go fading away into the dark night when he wanted to learn so much more from her.
he sees the lip wobble, it's hard to miss because lu bixing has always had such an expressive face. to see him so steady-looking as the announcement came over their phones, the only thing being the tell-tale blink of a reaction that had flashed over lu bixing's eyes.
he finds lu bixing's hand and takes it in his own, holding it in his fingers, stroking the top with his thumb. ]
And if I find it's another joke... [ i will rip them in two :v ]
Bixing...
[ it is only because it's lin that there even is a wobble - he's gotten so good at controlling himself that it doesn't even matter, most days. he can't show anything to the people around him. can't for a minute let anyone see anything but the prime minister, the composed and confident lu bixing, the man who finished a revolution when the battle was won. especially not here, when so many pairs of eyes on him are young, looking to him for inspiration, for comfort, for reason.
but lin is different. with lin, it's messy and difficult to hold onto his composure, and he feels a little - almost scolded, when he holds onto it. like he shouldn't. like he needs to let go.
he looks down at their hands when lin takes his, and swallows. ]
...I finished her book. When we got back. [ lin probably would've seen it. when he fussed him off to rest, lu bixing came to sit with him and read by his bedside, desperate for the distraction from his thoughts. ] I...
[ his voice gets a little smaller. ] ... I was really looking forward to talking with her about it, today.
but lin is different. with lin, it's messy and difficult to hold onto his composure, and he feels a little - almost scolded, when he holds onto it. like he shouldn't. like he needs to let go.
he looks down at their hands when lin takes his, and swallows. ]
...I finished her book. When we got back. [ lin probably would've seen it. when he fussed him off to rest, lu bixing came to sit with him and read by his bedside, desperate for the distraction from his thoughts. ] I...
[ his voice gets a little smaller. ] ... I was really looking forward to talking with her about it, today.
I saw...
[ lu bixing is voracious in everything he loves to do. reading is but one of the many things that falls under that category. lin jingheng had been waiting, really, to hear about it, if only because who has the time to read a book when you're in hell unless you're lu bixing.
so instead he lets his hands shift to hold his arms. firm. a bridge. ]
I'm not the writer... but...
[ he looks down for a moment. ]
Will you tell me about it?
[ lin jingheng feels it in his chest, a slow blossoming warmth that he remembers every time that lu bixing and he are so close, stars allowed to collide, even here, beyond life. ]
[ lu bixing is voracious in everything he loves to do. reading is but one of the many things that falls under that category. lin jingheng had been waiting, really, to hear about it, if only because who has the time to read a book when you're in hell unless you're lu bixing.
so instead he lets his hands shift to hold his arms. firm. a bridge. ]
I'm not the writer... but...
[ he looks down for a moment. ]
Will you tell me about it?
[ lin jingheng feels it in his chest, a slow blossoming warmth that he remembers every time that lu bixing and he are so close, stars allowed to collide, even here, beyond life. ]
[ yeah!! unfortunately, it's a coping mechanism!!! but that's fine. lin doesn't need to know that part.
he takes the way lin jingheng holds his arms and looks up at him, matching his eyes. he looks lost, now. lost, and tired, searching his face like it's going to hold an answer - a moment of clear vulnerability.
... and then, tiredly, he smiles. it's small, the soft duck of his head included, a huff of a laugh. his heart, despite everything, squeezes, exhausted and warm for lin jingheng. it means so much to him - to have him here, but to know his soft-hearted commander, to feel the way he loves him like a novelty after seventeen years. could he have programmed his hologram to do this? the clone, he almost made?
...no. no, he doesn't think so. ]
...yeah. Yeah, of course I will. It's about a revolution, Lin. It's really good. [ the last bit tapers off, a little wet. ]
he takes the way lin jingheng holds his arms and looks up at him, matching his eyes. he looks lost, now. lost, and tired, searching his face like it's going to hold an answer - a moment of clear vulnerability.
... and then, tiredly, he smiles. it's small, the soft duck of his head included, a huff of a laugh. his heart, despite everything, squeezes, exhausted and warm for lin jingheng. it means so much to him - to have him here, but to know his soft-hearted commander, to feel the way he loves him like a novelty after seventeen years. could he have programmed his hologram to do this? the clone, he almost made?
...no. no, he doesn't think so. ]
...yeah. Yeah, of course I will. It's about a revolution, Lin. It's really good. [ the last bit tapers off, a little wet. ]
Edited 2023-02-18 16:39 (UTC)
Maybe it will give us some ideas.
[ he guides him slowly towards a bed, to sit down together, one and then the other. he doesn't stop looking at him until lu bixing looks away, ducks his head with a soft little laugh.
he reaches with his good arm to grab his stray jacket he's left here, drawing the dark blue up and over lu bixing's shoulders. ]
[ he guides him slowly towards a bed, to sit down together, one and then the other. he doesn't stop looking at him until lu bixing looks away, ducks his head with a soft little laugh.
he reaches with his good arm to grab his stray jacket he's left here, drawing the dark blue up and over lu bixing's shoulders. ]
Ideas.
[ he laughs, a little, at that, because he can't really help it, and lets himself sink into the warmth of his jacket around his shoulders. it's familiar, it smells like whiskey and cigarettes, and he loses himself in it for a moment, shrugging into it a little further.
lin's been gone. the paradox of these two things occurring at once, the jacket and the reminder. he'll take the distraction of this conversation, because at least the hurt is more familiar. ]
It followed the course of what's been done. It's... things are so different now, Lin. I wish you could see it.
[ he laughs, a little, at that, because he can't really help it, and lets himself sink into the warmth of his jacket around his shoulders. it's familiar, it smells like whiskey and cigarettes, and he loses himself in it for a moment, shrugging into it a little further.
lin's been gone. the paradox of these two things occurring at once, the jacket and the reminder. he'll take the distraction of this conversation, because at least the hurt is more familiar. ]
It followed the course of what's been done. It's... things are so different now, Lin. I wish you could see it.
...
[ he rests his head against lu bixing's letting his eyes shut. his wounds ache a little bit, but they ache less as he maneuvers them to lean against a wall and just be. ]
I do too.
[ his fingers tighten gently in the fabric, holding lu bixing closer. ]
... missed too much.
[ he rests his head against lu bixing's letting his eyes shut. his wounds ache a little bit, but they ache less as he maneuvers them to lean against a wall and just be. ]
I do too.
[ his fingers tighten gently in the fabric, holding lu bixing closer. ]
... missed too much.
[ hey baby, he came to find you wow. he also has drinks in to go cups.
but in all seriousness, here is lin jingheng, zhanlu just vibing on his arm. it doesn't take him too long to find lu bixing at the fucking weedy's blunt hut or whatever we're calling the smoke shop/lounge portion, but anyways. it's sheer dumb luck.
so wherever lu bixing is, lin jingheng sits himself down wordlessly because what do you even say? what is there to say after that? there are no apologies possible to make in this moment.
all he does is wrinkle his nose a bit at the smell. ]
but in all seriousness, here is lin jingheng, zhanlu just vibing on his arm. it doesn't take him too long to find lu bixing at the fucking weedy's blunt hut or whatever we're calling the smoke shop/lounge portion, but anyways. it's sheer dumb luck.
so wherever lu bixing is, lin jingheng sits himself down wordlessly because what do you even say? what is there to say after that? there are no apologies possible to make in this moment.
all he does is wrinkle his nose a bit at the smell. ]
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