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Too late.
[ he holds him tighter, and the lightning flashes for a moment. there's a cup by his foot and he kicks the empty husk of lu bixing's drink away, peeling feelings back from the one in his hand now slowly. give it to him. give him the drink.
at the hiccup, he presses lips to the top of his head, and murmurs. ]
I see you, Lu Bixing. [ softer— ] I hear you.
[ tighter: ] No more.
[ he holds him tighter, and the lightning flashes for a moment. there's a cup by his foot and he kicks the empty husk of lu bixing's drink away, peeling feelings back from the one in his hand now slowly. give it to him. give him the drink.
at the hiccup, he presses lips to the top of his head, and murmurs. ]
I see you, Lu Bixing. [ softer— ] I hear you.
[ tighter: ] No more.
[ thankfully, maybe, he's like a child in jingheng's grasp. it reminds him like an echo of a time forever ago, when someone held him when he wanted to die and reminded him there was more to the world than just pain. and just like the gun was dropped out of his trembling hands then, he doesn't even stop jingheng, now. he lets him kick away the cup. he lets him take the one in his shaking hand, now.
he buries his facein jingheng's shoulder, and thinks, hysterically, i don't want you to, for the first time in his life. shame curls up in his chest like a deadweight, and the two sides of him war at themselves, the one who wants to cling to jingheng like a child and the one who wants to run away. his fingers curl in the back of his jacket.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, and buries it in his shoulder, uselessly, and mumbles: ] I'm sorry.
[ it's a little distant, but he might be sorry for today, or he might be sorry for the fact that he's like this, or he might be sorry for the fact that jingheng had to see it. he still thinks, sometimes he might hate him, hate the way he learned how to cope - to either not feel at all or to drown it, like this, into research, into sleeping pills, into hurting himself to feel okay. ]
he buries his facein jingheng's shoulder, and thinks, hysterically, i don't want you to, for the first time in his life. shame curls up in his chest like a deadweight, and the two sides of him war at themselves, the one who wants to cling to jingheng like a child and the one who wants to run away. his fingers curl in the back of his jacket.
he hiccups, again, and shakes his head, and buries it in his shoulder, uselessly, and mumbles: ] I'm sorry.
[ it's a little distant, but he might be sorry for today, or he might be sorry for the fact that he's like this, or he might be sorry for the fact that jingheng had to see it. he still thinks, sometimes he might hate him, hate the way he learned how to cope - to either not feel at all or to drown it, like this, into research, into sleeping pills, into hurting himself to feel okay. ]
If you're sorry for drinking so much and smelling like a skunk, save your breath...
[ he is just like a child in his arms, and he bullies him into the corner until he's barely visible save maybe whatever curls peek up over his shoulder. he holds him tightly, nuzzling into his hair. the ache is here, has his heart in a vise, and he clutches lu bixing back, closing his eyes. they have lost and they have lost and lost even more.
lu bixing has already lost so much, why should there be more? (lin jingheng does not think about his own loss, he sees himself as someone who should be numb to it all, even as his chest aches.) his hand slides upwards to slowly stroke his cheek, to thumb gently underneath his eyes again and again until finally he pulls his head back, tries to tip his chin upwards. ]
Look at me, Lu Bixing.
[ he is just like a child in his arms, and he bullies him into the corner until he's barely visible save maybe whatever curls peek up over his shoulder. he holds him tightly, nuzzling into his hair. the ache is here, has his heart in a vise, and he clutches lu bixing back, closing his eyes. they have lost and they have lost and lost even more.
lu bixing has already lost so much, why should there be more? (lin jingheng does not think about his own loss, he sees himself as someone who should be numb to it all, even as his chest aches.) his hand slides upwards to slowly stroke his cheek, to thumb gently underneath his eyes again and again until finally he pulls his head back, tries to tip his chin upwards. ]
Look at me, Lu Bixing.
[ help. he probably does smell like a skunk. he is pathetic. skrunkly. a pathetic little wet dog left out in the rain. he takes a breath, shaky, shuddering - it feels stupid. it feels like he's going to throw up, from crying, from drinking, from shame, from the weight of the past seventeen years of his life, from sending tuuri to her death, from losing kon, from the trauma of sacrifice and how it weighs so, so hard on his shoulders.
he's letting himself loose in those thoughts, letting them carry him away, down into a spiral, but lin jingheng pulls him back. he always does. his attention is scattered and miserable, but when lin jingheng asks, he doesn't hesitate.
his head tips a little into his hand, into the one on his cheek, but he slowly lifts his head to look up at him through his thick lashes, eyes wet, face flushed, perfectly coiffed curls a fucking mess, dark circles under his eyes. he still looks. ]
he's letting himself loose in those thoughts, letting them carry him away, down into a spiral, but lin jingheng pulls him back. he always does. his attention is scattered and miserable, but when lin jingheng asks, he doesn't hesitate.
his head tips a little into his hand, into the one on his cheek, but he slowly lifts his head to look up at him through his thick lashes, eyes wet, face flushed, perfectly coiffed curls a fucking mess, dark circles under his eyes. he still looks. ]
I love you.
[ he settles, sits with their legs tangled. he paws at the tabletop after untangling a hand from their mess and taps it briefly. a drink slides down, brushing his fingers, and he pulls it into their tangle, taking a long drink from it, the bobbing of his throat apparent as he takes the drink he's wanted since he left trial and tosses the cup unceremoniously away. ]
Now... mourn however you want, but this? It isn't eternity.
[ he settles, sits with their legs tangled. he paws at the tabletop after untangling a hand from their mess and taps it briefly. a drink slides down, brushing his fingers, and he pulls it into their tangle, taking a long drink from it, the bobbing of his throat apparent as he takes the drink he's wanted since he left trial and tosses the cup unceremoniously away. ]
Now... mourn however you want, but this? It isn't eternity.
[ bWEHHHH
the i love you does everything, really. well - more than anything, it makes him start to cry again, the tears bubbling up at his remaining eye and dripping down his cheek, pathetically and uselessly. he just feels - love, of course, warm and heavy in his heart, but there's shame, too. he knows. of course he knows. ]
... I condemened her, Lin. [ whether it's not eternity or otherwise. ] She was terrified, and there was more to the story, and I - I should have kept my mouth shut.
the i love you does everything, really. well - more than anything, it makes him start to cry again, the tears bubbling up at his remaining eye and dripping down his cheek, pathetically and uselessly. he just feels - love, of course, warm and heavy in his heart, but there's shame, too. he knows. of course he knows. ]
... I condemened her, Lin. [ whether it's not eternity or otherwise. ] She was terrified, and there was more to the story, and I - I should have kept my mouth shut.
[ well.
lin jingheng knows that lu bixing has had an awful series of weeks (as if he hasn't) and he has decided, very resolutely, that he is going to cheer him up.
even if it means making the biggest sacrifice.
he's taken lu bixing to explore just a bit and after ending up in the bar, he'd pardoned himself briefly to the little commander's room after palming a drink. maybe... 6 minutes later. a small creature comes and hops up onto the seat beside lu bixing at the bar and continues to drink it's tasty drink.
hello. ]
lin jingheng knows that lu bixing has had an awful series of weeks (as if he hasn't) and he has decided, very resolutely, that he is going to cheer him up.
even if it means making the biggest sacrifice.
he's taken lu bixing to explore just a bit and after ending up in the bar, he'd pardoned himself briefly to the little commander's room after palming a drink. maybe... 6 minutes later. a small creature comes and hops up onto the seat beside lu bixing at the bar and continues to drink it's tasty drink.
hello. ]
[ help me
lu bixing's sitting at the bar and kicking his feet. he loves this island, he's already decided, because of course he does. how rare, to get to see snow - it's his favorite thing in the whole world, and he's all happy, flushed smiles as he looks at his own drink and his drink notes and waits for lin to come back.
and as he does there's
a tiny creature in his spot.
he blinks, looking down, and then - smiles??? oh cute. he lovesbig scary wolves dogs. ]
Oh, hello....! Friendly. [ is this one dangerous like graham (no) ] You know, that seat, and that drink, are both taken.
lu bixing's sitting at the bar and kicking his feet. he loves this island, he's already decided, because of course he does. how rare, to get to see snow - it's his favorite thing in the whole world, and he's all happy, flushed smiles as he looks at his own drink and his drink notes and waits for lin to come back.
and as he does there's
a tiny creature in his spot.
he blinks, looking down, and then - smiles??? oh cute. he loves
Oh, hello....! Friendly. [ is this one dangerous like graham (no) ] You know, that seat, and that drink, are both taken.
[ it could be dangerous. he bites.
instead the wolf doesn't seem to respond at first because they have to use both of their tiny, cartoony paws to lift their drink to their stupid big head. it is actually very distinguished for a tiny creature with these proportions!
this tiny creature is wearing a very familiar-looking jacket, despite the image okay. (fang just had the best sassy lin jingheng eyes!!!) when the creature pulls the drink away it licks its tiny chops and then says in a very regular lin jingheng voice: ]
I didn't realize you were drinking with someone else.
instead the wolf doesn't seem to respond at first because they have to use both of their tiny, cartoony paws to lift their drink to their stupid big head. it is actually very distinguished for a tiny creature with these proportions!
this tiny creature is wearing a very familiar-looking jacket, despite the image okay. (fang just had the best sassy lin jingheng eyes!!!) when the creature pulls the drink away it licks its tiny chops and then says in a very regular lin jingheng voice: ]
I didn't realize you were drinking with someone else.
[ oh help the ears go back because teenage girl pitches will bother his little wolf ears. but he allows the petting and even leans into it a little because whatever. he did this for YOU after finding out about it earlier. ]
Surprise.
[ his little arms reach up to hug this arm that is petting him. ]
Surprise.
[ his little arms reach up to hug this arm that is petting him. ]
[ he's verklempt this is the cutest thing he's ever seen ]
When did - you changed out your drink. You're so little, oh, this is so cute...
[ he's not that big even if he's three feet tall so he's going to just. pick him up. no dignity for you but also it's so he can like hug him properly. ] Fluffy...
When did - you changed out your drink. You're so little, oh, this is so cute...
[ he's not that big even if he's three feet tall so he's going to just. pick him up. no dignity for you but also it's so he can like hug him properly. ] Fluffy...
Can't take it back.
[ lu bixing crying against his shoulder has him curving all the more protectively around him. his own chest is tight and heavy, but all he wants to do is just this. this is where he feels he can be useful, he can be strong. he heard eveyrthing and at this point, he knows what he needs to do. ]
We were running out of time... I'm not saying it's right. And I'm not saying it's fair.
But it was bound to happen. And whoever did this went to great lengths to make sure they weren't found out. We are fallible... and we will continue to fail as often as we win. [ that's the world ] Remember what I said.
[ they won't be kept. ]
[ lu bixing crying against his shoulder has him curving all the more protectively around him. his own chest is tight and heavy, but all he wants to do is just this. this is where he feels he can be useful, he can be strong. he heard eveyrthing and at this point, he knows what he needs to do. ]
We were running out of time... I'm not saying it's right. And I'm not saying it's fair.
But it was bound to happen. And whoever did this went to great lengths to make sure they weren't found out. We are fallible... and we will continue to fail as often as we win. [ that's the world ] Remember what I said.
[ they won't be kept. ]
Edited 2023-03-21 00:30 (UTC)
[ lin jingheng always knows what to say.
he always does. he's someone who minds his words, who sometimes doesn't speak a lot, but to bixing, every single word out of lin jingheng's mouth is precious, because they're so valuable. this is one of those cases - where he feels his heart ache in all the pieces that it's been broken, and he makes a soft, muffled noise and turns his face up to look up at him. his eye is red and wet, the dark circles underneath it miserable, perfect curls destroyed, but he sniffles and nods, and tries to pull himself together.
they won't be kept.
he curls his fingers tight in lin jingheng's shirt, and after a long moment of silence, whispers his response - because he didn't say it back. ] I love you too. [ and slowly, slowly, some of the tension goes out of his shoulders. he just goes boneless, and lets lin jingheng take care of him. ]
he always does. he's someone who minds his words, who sometimes doesn't speak a lot, but to bixing, every single word out of lin jingheng's mouth is precious, because they're so valuable. this is one of those cases - where he feels his heart ache in all the pieces that it's been broken, and he makes a soft, muffled noise and turns his face up to look up at him. his eye is red and wet, the dark circles underneath it miserable, perfect curls destroyed, but he sniffles and nods, and tries to pull himself together.
they won't be kept.
he curls his fingers tight in lin jingheng's shirt, and after a long moment of silence, whispers his response - because he didn't say it back. ] I love you too. [ and slowly, slowly, some of the tension goes out of his shoulders. he just goes boneless, and lets lin jingheng take care of him. ]
[ oh hey! his tiny feet do a kicky kicky as he's lifted, but not for long because the minute he's hugged he just. leans into it and hugs him back, tail wagging happily... :soup: this is probably not the worst drink on the menu, even if the sweet taste makes him want to just :x!!!! ]
I did. It was easy. You kept staring into my eyes and just my eyes for ten minutes.
[ he very seldom elicits his own doubt, not unless the circumstances are dire. he looks up at him with his sleepy-looking eyes. ]
This one isn't so bad.
I did. It was easy. You kept staring into my eyes and just my eyes for ten minutes.
[ he very seldom elicits his own doubt, not unless the circumstances are dire. he looks up at him with his sleepy-looking eyes. ]
This one isn't so bad.
[ STOPSSJWLKJT WELL ITS PROBABLY TRUE
he - laughs at his own stupidity, that is incredibly stupid, but he doesn't even care. mostly because he's so happy that he's holding a wolf jingheng in his arms that he can't even be fussed about it. he just beams and like immediately kisses his nose. snoot. ]
I like this one the best. [ a beat. ] No, I like the love potion the best. This is a close second.
he - laughs at his own stupidity, that is incredibly stupid, but he doesn't even care. mostly because he's so happy that he's holding a wolf jingheng in his arms that he can't even be fussed about it. he just beams and like immediately kisses his nose. snoot. ]
I like this one the best. [ a beat. ] No, I like the love potion the best. This is a close second.
Edited 2023-03-21 01:29 (UTC)
[ look he wasn't stupid, he's just in love. and lin jingheng is too, even in this 3 foot nothing wolf form. his snoot is kissed and he jerks his head away to just let out a tiny cute sneeze before pawing up to hug tightly.
it's so pathetic-looking because he's very little, but this week has turned him tactile and it's the most bizarre feeling as he wraps his arms around his neck and clings! ]
The love potion is good. The health of mind isn't... terrible with the right person. This one... it's too sweet, but the results are...
[ he trails off and just boops his nose into lu bixing's cheek. bweh. ]
it's so pathetic-looking because he's very little, but this week has turned him tactile and it's the most bizarre feeling as he wraps his arms around his neck and clings! ]
The love potion is good. The health of mind isn't... terrible with the right person. This one... it's too sweet, but the results are...
[ he trails off and just boops his nose into lu bixing's cheek. bweh. ]
[ lin jingheng is being so, so, so cute right now??? the effects of each week have really been so nice to bixing, actually, which is good because everything else is garbage. as soon as lin jingheng crawls up against his chest he just picks him up out of the chair and snuggles his cheek against the top of the head. ]
Results are good. [ he'll have to update his notes when he's not busy snuggling. for now, he just hooks his arms around this tiny, tiny, cute lin jingheng, briefly fantasizes about how cute he would be like this in a little outfit from build a bub like yoru (a), briefly fantasizes how it would rip when he went back to normal (a) and then comes back to normal and nuzzles between his ears.
he thinks of something as he's doing this, and fiddles around to free up his wrist, prodding at his watch with his other hand to bring up his camera and flipping it around. ] Say cheese.
[ and goes to snap a selfie if lin will let him. look at his cute big smile on that camera. ]
Results are good. [ he'll have to update his notes when he's not busy snuggling. for now, he just hooks his arms around this tiny, tiny, cute lin jingheng, briefly fantasizes about how cute he would be like this in a little outfit from build a bub like yoru (a), briefly fantasizes how it would rip when he went back to normal (a) and then comes back to normal and nuzzles between his ears.
he thinks of something as he's doing this, and fiddles around to free up his wrist, prodding at his watch with his other hand to bring up his camera and flipping it around. ] Say cheese.
[ and goes to snap a selfie if lin will let him. look at his cute big smile on that camera. ]
Edited 2023-03-21 02:34 (UTC)
Results are mixed.
[ but he will snuggle aggressively and remain unaware of lu bixing's terrible evil plans to possibly wrestle him into a build a bub outfit (if he dares, he will probably end up with little teeth marks everywhere that are animal-sized!!!!) but for now he will enjoy the nuzzling between his ears up until the camera comes up.
he squints into the little image of them. you may take a picture of him. his tail wags a little faster, but only because lu bixing is allowed to do this ridiculous shit to him. ]
One picture.
[ he will not smile with his teeth NOR will he say cheese. it is a very lin jingheng-lookin' wolf expression obviously featuring a very tiny zhanlu on his arm. ]
[ but he will snuggle aggressively and remain unaware of lu bixing's terrible evil plans to possibly wrestle him into a build a bub outfit (if he dares, he will probably end up with little teeth marks everywhere that are animal-sized!!!!) but for now he will enjoy the nuzzling between his ears up until the camera comes up.
he squints into the little image of them. you may take a picture of him. his tail wags a little faster, but only because lu bixing is allowed to do this ridiculous shit to him. ]
One picture.
[ he will not smile with his teeth NOR will he say cheese. it is a very lin jingheng-lookin' wolf expression obviously featuring a very tiny zhanlu on his arm. ]
[ the TAIL WAGS GOD!!!! THIS IS SO CUTE!!!
lu bixing is so happy. he snaps the picture - it is extremely cute - and makes an acquiescing noise. fair enough. one picture. ]
One's enough! I want to remember that this happened forever. [ hehe. when he's done, he pecks him between the cute fluffy ears and just cuddles him. thrilled. ] Thank you, Lin.
lu bixing is so happy. he snaps the picture - it is extremely cute - and makes an acquiescing noise. fair enough. one picture. ]
One's enough! I want to remember that this happened forever. [ hehe. when he's done, he pecks him between the cute fluffy ears and just cuddles him. thrilled. ] Thank you, Lin.
[ slowly, he lets his palm stroke down his shoulder, feels the way lu bixing pushes his face into him and hides away from the world. lin jingheng closes his eyes and curls in close with him, reaching for one of the drinks blindly from the nightstand. he doesn't really know which it is and he doesn't care, just taking a sip from the rim of it and then nuzzling into lu bixing's hair softly. ]
... There are people here who have been just as lucky to have met you.
... There are people here who have been just as lucky to have met you.
[ he won't get tired of hearing it, laughing, truly laughing at how out of breath lu bixing sounds beneath him. he brackets him with his knees and in one fell swoop, he cages lu bixing with his arms, braced on his elbows to easily be within kissing range.
there is a moment when he thinks that maybe, he ought to consider the fact that this entire place is supposed to be some kind of funny enclosure. at the same time, he can't bring himself to care. he hasn't seen their home on qiming in over a decade, his heart hurts like it's made of stone, split in two because half of him has always been with lu bixing. the safest place it could ever be.
the truth is, they will not be. Lewd In Pulic, but he does free lu bixing's chest to press against his. it's warm, and he can feel the cadence of their rushing heartbeats as he presses in close and tucks his nose into the curve of his shoulder. ]
I stared up at the stars and waiting for this... all of this... for so long.
there is a moment when he thinks that maybe, he ought to consider the fact that this entire place is supposed to be some kind of funny enclosure. at the same time, he can't bring himself to care. he hasn't seen their home on qiming in over a decade, his heart hurts like it's made of stone, split in two because half of him has always been with lu bixing. the safest place it could ever be.
the truth is, they will not be. Lewd In Pulic, but he does free lu bixing's chest to press against his. it's warm, and he can feel the cadence of their rushing heartbeats as he presses in close and tucks his nose into the curve of his shoulder. ]
I stared up at the stars and waiting for this... all of this... for so long.
[ lu bixing is faced with a dilemma, and that dilemma is this. he wants to kiss jingheng, the minute he gets into close kissing distance, but he also desperately wants to listen to him talk. it is a problem. he hopes that he looks cute sprawled out on this bed? he hopes he looks cute.
apparently, he does. lu bixing still has a hand in the back of his hair, curled through the silky strands, and his other arm reaches up to link around his shoulder. he loves how warm jingheng is, for someone who supposedly looks so cold; it's a reminder of the scorching warmth he gave off the first time they kissed, the way it felt like colorblindness melting away to see the world for all of its hues. bixing turns his head, kisses the side of lin jingheng's because it's next to him, and looks up at the ceiling and just smiles. he smiles so big his cheeks hurt. ]
Yeah. [ yeah. that's all he can say - there were no stars to stare at, for him. just the crushing misery of knowing he'd never have this again, only to have it returned. hell, of all places, has done bixing some good things.
he kisses the side of his head again, another, another, arches up a little to feel that heartbeat. ]
Was it everything you expected? [ soft, almost a little jokingly, lamely - even if he wants to know the answer. they're in hell, not actually home, but it doesn't matter. will it be everything you expect, when we're home? ]
apparently, he does. lu bixing still has a hand in the back of his hair, curled through the silky strands, and his other arm reaches up to link around his shoulder. he loves how warm jingheng is, for someone who supposedly looks so cold; it's a reminder of the scorching warmth he gave off the first time they kissed, the way it felt like colorblindness melting away to see the world for all of its hues. bixing turns his head, kisses the side of lin jingheng's because it's next to him, and looks up at the ceiling and just smiles. he smiles so big his cheeks hurt. ]
Yeah. [ yeah. that's all he can say - there were no stars to stare at, for him. just the crushing misery of knowing he'd never have this again, only to have it returned. hell, of all places, has done bixing some good things.
he kisses the side of his head again, another, another, arches up a little to feel that heartbeat. ]
Was it everything you expected? [ soft, almost a little jokingly, lamely - even if he wants to know the answer. they're in hell, not actually home, but it doesn't matter. will it be everything you expect, when we're home? ]
It's better than anything I remembered... Even in hell.
[ he says this on the cusp of another kiss, turning to press in close, a hand sliding up to cup the side of lu bixing's face. there's a warmth that fills him, and he looks into his eyes, his heart swollen.
he thinks about all of thought years, weight on lu bixing's shoulders, the now fading track marks that he kisses along with his palm every night. lin jingheng wants to give him everything, every part of his life, the keys to his kingdom of nothing.
just bixing. he leans in and pressed their foreheads together, a smile curling onto his lips. ]
Here you are...
[ he says this on the cusp of another kiss, turning to press in close, a hand sliding up to cup the side of lu bixing's face. there's a warmth that fills him, and he looks into his eyes, his heart swollen.
he thinks about all of thought years, weight on lu bixing's shoulders, the now fading track marks that he kisses along with his palm every night. lin jingheng wants to give him everything, every part of his life, the keys to his kingdom of nothing.
just bixing. he leans in and pressed their foreheads together, a smile curling onto his lips. ]
Here you are...
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